How to be happy: Anna Mathur reveals 10 harsh truths you need to accept

Our fear of bad things happening steals our focus away from the good things in life that are taking place right here, right now.

We worry about being disliked, and so lose chunks of ourselves pleasing others.

Fear of failure keeps us stuck; anxiety over not feeling good enough leads to soul-destroying perfectionism.

And we go so far trying to avoid the truth of our inevitable death — and the loss of the people we love — that we prevent ourselves from truly embracing the life we have.

My work as a psychotherapist is about encouraging my clients to become more accepting of life’s certainties and to stop fearing how much lies outside the realm of our control.

After all, we spend millions of dollars— and hours — numbing our fears. The alcohol industry is roaring.

In much-needed moments of nothingness, we scroll on our phones to suppress our emotions and anxieties. We pipe sounds into our ears so we don’t have to think.

But the more ways we find to skirt around life’s hard truths, the more we affirm they must be avoided. The result of this is burnout, addiction, anxiety, people-pleasing, grief and shame.

I firmly believe that many of the challenges we as humans face can be attributed to the avoidance of ten uncomfortable truths. And that the answer to living a happier life is to stare them square in the face.

Today, I want to show you how, by accepting these truths, you can live more freely and with greater confidence than ever before.

PEOPLE DON’T LIKE ME

People don’t like you. There, I said it.

A colleague has gone home and complained about you; a stranger, sitting in the car behind you, has sworn at you.

For some people, it’s something you did or didn’t do. Others can’t put their finger on why they don’t like you — they just don’t.

As animals living in packs, humans equate acceptance with protection.

Being disliked creates anxiety. But do you want to live a life so small that you slip under everyone’s radar, never shock anyone, never challenge anything, never make waves, all in the vain hope you can avoid ever being disliked?

TRY THIS: Make “so what?” your mantra any time you fear being disliked. It will help you question whether it truly matters if someone disagrees with you, disapproves of something you’ve said or done, or finds you too much or not enough.

And consider whether that person deserves to have that much power over you.

I AM GOING TO FAIL

You will plough time and energy into something and it will fail. Your hard work will seem a waste and you will experience disappointment.

Failure can feel like rejection. We all know failure is part of life. But it also means questioning if we’re the cause, often resulting in self-criticism and shame.

When failure is accepted rather than feared, decision-making becomes easier.

You procrastinate — which is just a fear-based avoidance tactic — less, and your self-esteem improves, because it stops being attached purely to success.

TRY THIS: List three times you’ve failed. Beside each point write down what you learnt from those failures — about yourself, others, and your work or wider life. Reflect on how that failure has helped shape who you’ve become.

I WILL HURT PEOPLE I LOVE

We all do and say hurtful things. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes accidentally. But you can’t spend your life tiptoeing around people for fear of causing pain.

Instead, recognise your responsibilities to others — and theirs to you.

TRY THIS: Recognise three liberating truths:

• If someone is hurt because of you, and you’re not aware of it, it’s their responsibility to either tell you or let it go.
• If you sense a relationship has shifted and you’re unsure why, ask if everything is OK.
• If they choose not to talk about it, you have fulfilled your responsibility.
• If you know you have hurt someone, whether on purpose or unintentionally, it is your responsibility to apologise. Whether the apology is accepted is down to them.

I CAN’T BE EVER-PRESENT

We heap so much pressure, guilt and shame on ourselves for failing to be always present. But as life whizzes along, especially if things aren’t going well, the present can be a difficult place to be. your attention can’t always sit in the same place as your body.

Otherwise, you’d live totally immersed in your own feelings and desires, disregarding the impact one decision might have on the next moment.

It’s far kinder to you to make peace with that fact.

Removing the pressure to be fully present all the time makes it easier to focus on what is in front of you when you do have the mental space to do so.

TRY THIS: When you feel your focus is being pulled in so many directions that your head is spinning, use gratitude to anchor yourself. Gratitude is the simple act of noticing what is good and real. A great gratitude tool turns “I’ve got to” into “I get to”.

So, consider a mundane task such as taking the bins out. “I’ve got to take the bins out” is full of drudgery and boredom.

But “I get to take the bins out, full of remnants of the lovely meals I’ve eaten, using my healthy legs, outside a home that keeps me safe and warm” draws your attention to the privileges involved in that task.

LIFE ISN’T FAIR

It really isn’t.

Bad things happen to good people, we fall in love with people who don’t love us back, less-qualified candidates get promoted over the ones who really deserve the job and people work hard and struggle financially.

Yet we are taught we can control things, if we try hard enough. So, how do you let go of the frustration and rage that can rise up when you experience something that just isn’t fair?

TRY THIS: Let go of the belief that life gives us what we deserve, good or bad.

Consider how much in your life you gained because of luck, timing or chance, which can be humbling and liberating.

If what happens to you isn’t entirely a result of your input, it can help you shake off the injustice you feel when your good work isn’t rewarded. and truly enjoy the good things coming your way that you’ve done little or nothing to deserve.

I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH

Sorry, but despite the positive mantras on t-shirts and the affirmations on your social media, the reason you still don’t feel good enough is because you’re not.

With your limited resources of time, energy and patience, your human body that gets sick and tired, and the toxic traits no amount of self-help books will help you shake off, you’ll never be enough for some of the standards set by yourself and others.

Embracing that means growing to respect your limitations and boundaries rather than experiencing them as failures.

TRY THIS: Recognise you can’t do it all and be it all — and that, actually, that’s OK.

It’s OK for others to support you and fill the gaps where you fall short.

We are stronger when we turn towards each other, often weaker when we try to do everything on our own.

Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

Rather than hampering your confidence, let accepting this truth and respecting your limits boost your confidence instead of knocking it.

I AM MISUNDERSTOOD

You will feel misunderstood at times when you most need to be seen. You will desperately try to explain yourself and people will still fail to “get you”.

Feeling misunderstood can make you feel dismissed and even ashamed. It can prompt a sense of hopelessness, rage and grief.

But consider this: do you even understand yourself?

Feeling understood provides empathy, compassion and a sense of belonging. the more you understand yourself, the less urgent it feels that others do too.

TRY THIS: The next time you’re in a difficult situation and feel yourself becoming highly emotional, take a pause to label your feelings.

Be inquisitive and not judgmental. then ask yourself what you need. Is it space, a listening ear, words of comfort or advice? Does an unhelpful habit need addressing? Do you need to change something to help your well-being,

Act on this need where and when you can, in a kind and compassionate way, and over time you will better understand yourself.

BAD THINGS HAPPEN

Awful things have happened to you, to those you care about. they are happening right now, all over the world. anxiety is often an attempt to pre-empt bad things so we have a sense of control.

But it stops us from enjoying the good things happening here and now.

Accepting that bad things will happen, and are so often beyond our control, means anxiety is soothed and not fuelled.

TRY THIS:

• To halt anxious rumination, count back from 100 in threes.
• Calm your body with a simple breathing technique where you deeply inhale for a count of four, then fully exhale for a count of seven.
• When you feel the adrenaline of your fight-or-flight response kick in, do something physically active such as star jumps or jogging on the spot.

This will help your body quickly disperse the adrenaline, so it stops fuelling your anxiety.

I’LL LOSE PEOPLE I LOVE

If you haven’t already walked through the fire of grief, you will. accepting that loss will come can strengthen the good relationships in your life, inspiring gratitude that softens that anxiety as it sits beside it.

I remember asking my mother whether she would rather not have known my little sister, who died from a brain tumour aged six, than go through the pain of losing her.

She said: “I am grateful for every single day of loving her.”

TRY THIS: Imagine a big gold coin sitting in the palm of your hand. on one side the word love is engraved. think about the love you give and have in your life.

The more love, the bigger the coin. Now, turn the coin over. You see the word vulnerability.

This is the risk of loss and heartache, because the more you love, the more you have to lose.

We cannot have one without the other. So, continue to seek an acceptance of the truth that you will lose people you love and let it motivate you to live and love more intentionally.

I AM GOING TO DIE

Fear of death is the biggest source of human anxiety and regret.

Having an awareness of life’s inherent fragility empowers some people to make more conscious decisions when considering their own limited life. others find their anxiety fuelled by this very same awareness.

When we think about death, we are confronted with the truth that while we can plan and attempt to control every aspect of life, ultimately it could end at any given moment. It is a humbling thought.

Sometimes, a barrier in accepting this uncomfortable truth is the struggle to find meaning in life; that there is a reason for us being here in the first place.

TRY THIS: Write your own personal manifesto. What motivates you?

Define your values by identifying what would matter most if everything were stripped away tomorrow. Now, consider whether your decisions, the way you spend your time and resources, are in line with those values.

What do you live for that feeds, calms and drives you to good things and places? What excites you and when do you feel at your most peaceful, passionate, content or alive?

Consider whether you are engaging in enough of these activities in your life. and whether there are changes you can make that will feed your sense of meaning and purpose. Accepting this ultimate uncomfortable truth — that you are going to die — can help you to plough more of your time and energy into having a truly enriching life.

Adapted from The Uncomfortable Truth by Anna Mathur, published by Penguin Books on 8 August. © Anna Mathur 2024.