Max Pemberton: What NOT to say to somebody who recently lost a love one

Tis the season to be jolly! But what if it isn’t the season to be jolly? What if you don’t feel jolly at all, because you’re grieving for someone who has died?

All the tinsel and good wishes can feel very hollow and empty, if you’re bereaved.

It’s certainly true that when we’re grieving, some people can really step up and make all the difference. Running through grief like a gossamer thread is the sense of disconnection, yet a small kindness, a few words, a thoughtful gesture, can remind us that we are still connected to others.

Richard E. Grant has given a touching account of how King Charles visited his dying wife, dialect coach Joan Washington, days before she died of lung cancer in 2021.

‘Shortly before my wife died, Prince Charles came to visit her, sat in our garden, held her hands and talked about life as she contemplated her own death. Kindness, generosity, humour and compassion. Princely attributes fit for a King.’

What a contrast to how others responded.

Mr Grant has previously spoken about how, after Joan died, he lost friends as a result of how they reacted to his grief.

Speaking at the Cheltenham Literary Festival last year, he said: ‘Subsequent to her death, I have had people cross the road rather than talk. Whether they think you’re going to fall apart and you’re an emotional wreck, I don’t know. But I will never speak to them again.’

As shocking as this sounds, it’s all too familiar.

Despite death and bereavement being a universal phenomenon, something that none of us can escape, we are often very bad at dealing with people who are grieving. I’ve had many bereaved patients say the same to me – they are often baffled at people’s response, and deeply wounded and hurt. People find grief very difficult to deal with. They feel they don’t know what to say, how to behave or fear they’ll do or say something that will make things worse – so they keep a wide berth.

At Christmas, you’d think people would rally round a griefstricken friend, especially if it’s their first since losing a loved one. Yet from my experience, the season of goodwill is often in short supply. Not wanting to seem thoughtless, people don’t invite them to the usual drinks or parties. They wouldn’t want to come and be cheerful, surely? And maybe there’s even a bit of worrying that they’ll bring down the mood, too.

But it is not up to us to make assumptions about how they’ll feel. Of course lots of people will find this time of year very difficult, even years after their loss. Christmas will bring up memories, the traditions will feel empty or pointless, and the whole festive period can feel long and drawn out.

That doesn’t mean ignoring them is anything other than hurtful. In fact, simply acknowledging someone’s pain and loss is often enough.

You don’t need to find clever words or be able to provide wisdom or solace in their grief. Take your cue from them. If they want to be light and breezy, that’s fine – maybe they are tired of always being the bereaved person and want a laugh like everyone else. If they want to be sad or down, that’s also fine – and it’s not an invitation for you to try to cheer them up.

People grieve differently. There’s no right or wrong way, and just letting someone do it in their own way is itself a tremendous relief for many.

I remember one father whose daughter had died in a car accident telling how people had quickly abandoned him in the wake of it. They simply felt overwhelmed by the tragedy and didn’t know what to say.

And then there was his one true friend, who stuck with him, allowing him to be however he wanted, sitting with his grief even through the worst of the pain.

The man described his friend as being a ‘witness’ to his grief and felt it incredibly helpful that someone would just be there with him, not trying to change it or make it better.

So don’t try to ‘fix’ things – people often feel obliged to make the person feel better by the end of a conversation, and this often leads to clumsy or callous statements or banal platitudes that are more likely to irritate or annoy. Whatever you do, don’t try to make it about you – and be careful if you compare their experience to one you’ve had.

If you’ve left it a long time and not contacted someone, then it’s still OK to just get in touch and apologise. Christmas is the perfect time to do this.

Don’t make an excuse, simply say that you hadn’t known what to say but now realise that was the wrong thing to do and you’re sorry.

What about the jolly card you usually send them? It just doesn’t feel right to wish them a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year when both will be neither. Far easier to just cross them off the Christmas card list, isn’t it?

But suddenly not getting cards merely emphasises how alone they now are. Send flowers or a plant instead, with a short note: ‘Just to let you know I’m thinking of you at this time.’ Or be honest: ‘It’s hard to know what to write as Happy Christmas doesn’t seem appropriate, but I want you to know you’re in my thoughts.’

The greatest gift you can give someone who’s bereaved at Christmas is to allow them to grieve on their own terms, and not turn your back on them.

It doesn’t sound too difficult, but it’s surprising how many of us struggle with it.