This is the worst piece of dating and relationship advice, says therapist Esther Perel

One of the most pervasive modern dating mantras is that you need to be totally content with who you are before you enter into a partnership.

It is also one of the worst pieces of relationship advice, according to renowned psychotherapist Esther Perel.

“It’s in the presence of another that you realise what you are,” Perel says. “I think that there’s been an excess focus on the importance of the self at the expense of understanding that the self exists in a social context.”

The enshrinement of this ethos is partially due to the popularisation and misuse of therapy speak on platforms like TikTok, Perel says: “In the language of psychotherapy, there’s a lot of things that involve the relationship to others, but that is not what social media has focused on.”

By cutting yourself off from others in the name of self-actualisation you are stunting your own growth, Perel says — and stifling any opportunity of connection.

‘It’s probably time to put the ‘other’ back in the picture’

The emphasis on being authentic isn’t inherently bad. But, it can cause one to distance themselves from anything that makes them uncomfortable.

When a person feels challenged by a relationship they might take a step back, saying they need to create more “boundaries” or that they are “triggered,” Perel says. But tension is actually a sign of a potentially healthy partnership.

“Therapy speak of a certain kind has the word ‘self’ in front of everything — self-awareness, self-realisation, self-fulfillment, self-care, self-image,” Perel says. “I think that it’s probably time to put the ‘other’ back in the picture, too.”

‘By being with somebody else, you’ll learn a ton about how to be with you’

Although relationships offer us the “opportunity to gain self-awareness,” someone without a strong identity can sabotage a potential partnership, says Lisa Marie Bobby, a relationship psychologist and founder of Growing Self Counseling & Coaching in Denver.

“A prerequisite for being able to grow into the type of person who can have healthy, high-quality relationships is being able to understand yourself and take ownership of how you feel and why that might be,” Bobby says.

She routinely sees clients who have difficulty dating because they aren’t cognisant of what upsets them.

“They are not connected to how they feel and they also don’t have the ability to regulate themselves very well,” Bobby says. “Because of that it can be difficult to have a lot of empathy or visibility into the minds and emotions of other people if they themselves are disconnected from their own emotional understanding.”

Instead of working through the discomfort and trying to understand the other’s perspective, they lash out or walk away.

But wrestling with unpleasant feelings is part of being in a relationship, Perel says. And, by opting out of seeing others you are cheating yourself of valuable experiences.

“By being with somebody else, you’ll learn a ton about how to be with you,” she says.