CNBC: Forget pep talks, negative self-talk ‘can be motivating’ — here’s how to do it the right way
Negative self-talk, or an excessively-critical inner monologue, can keep you from reaching your goals and create a cycle of pessimism.
Telling ourselves we aren’t smart or productive enough to hit certain milestones can often become a “self-fulfilling prophecy,” says Judy Ho, a neuropsychologist and professor at Pepperdine University.
However, some amount of tough love can spur positive change.
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By continuing you agree to our Terms and Privacy Policy.“I think that negative self-talk can be motivating if it’s done in a way where it helps you to course correct,” she says.
‘Shame just makes you want to go inward and feel bad about yourself’
Self-criticism can be encouraging if it inspires a shift in behaviour. It becomes toxic when you start linking a mistake you made to a lack of character or ambition.
“This negative self-talk that uses absolutes like, ‘I’m always an idiot or I’m always the one being ignored in the room,’ creates shame,” Ho says.
“And shame doesn’t promote action. Shame just makes you want to go inward and feel bad about yourself.”
Let’s say you missed a deadline on a project. Telling yourself it’s because you’re lazy won’t help you manage your time any better in the future. It’s better to reflect on this misstep as a mistake that you can learn from and fix going forward.
To defeat the cycle of negative self-talk, you have to be mindful of what triggers your pessimism and how to distance yourself from anxiety-driven thoughts. Ho recommends following these three steps
1. Question your thoughts: Ask yourself what evidence supports your internal negativity, and what evidence contradicts it. Write down your findings in two columns and compare them. Oftentimes, Ho says, there is more evidence that speaks against rather than to your criticism.
2. Practice a more balanced thought process: You can acknowledge what you wish had gone differently today while also naming what you did well. Maybe you didn’t complete all the tasks on your to-do list. Instead of replaying criticism of your work ethic in your head, tell yourself: “Yes, I didn’t get as much done today as I’d like, but I did finish the three most time-sensitive items.
3. Label your feelings as a “thought”: Create some distance between you and your self-talk by reminding yourself that not all the stories we tell ourselves are true. “It changes the relation to the thought because you’re basically saying, ‘I’m just having the thought and it doesn’t have to be true,’” Ho says.
