CAMERON MILNER: Anthony Albanese has run out of puff and Labor knows how beyond hopeless their frontman is

The worst kept secret in Canberra is out. No, not the one about the broken table. It’s that these are the last sitting days of the Albanese Government before the election.

Long before cutting a little loose at Parliament wasn’t a thing anymore, Labor has handed the political whipping hand to anyone else and is being flogged from one chamber to the next.

Labor has handed parliamentary control to its opponents. A return to Canberra next year would be the equivalent of knowingly walking into Pulp Fiction’s DeSoto Avenue pawn shop.

Sixty-five bills lay in a constipated line of un-passed legislation. Greens to the Left of him, Dutton to the right, Labor is stuck in the middle of mess entirely of their own making.

Good governments get elected with a mandate and have a high fibre policy plan. Albanese’s own small target stodgy blancmange has blocked the system. It’s time to pass around the political prune juice.

Albanese has run out of puff and couldn’t even be stuffed being at work last week. This week will be a shrill reminder for voters that this time server just hasn’t got the gravitas in Parliament, or anywhere else to be fair, to carry an argument.

Though it’s not due until May 2025 and we can all trust the PM when he says he wants to out stay his welcome in the Lodge, the reality is the Parliament is now a dysfunctional mess.

Labor is looking punch drunk in the polls and stumble drunk at Parliament. There’s simply no good reason to return to Parliament next year for four more weeks of doing nada on the cost-of-living crisis.

Sure, Chalmers has a Budget scheduled for March, but even that’s looking increasingly fraught as revenues from resources tank and the forward estimates will have to match the RBA’s inflation forecasts for Q3 2025 onwards without the electricity bill rebates.

Chalmers’ Budget will have to crystallise higher inflation expectations for longer and see an end to on-paper surpluses and a return to debt and deficits.

We already know the Budget can’t afford to splurge so will sink quickly without trace in the mind of voters.

The inauguration of Donald Trump on January 20 will see an out pouring of crazy headlines and blow hard analysis from Albo’s mates in the media. With this distraction it will be the perfect time to pull an Australia Day election trigger for a March 8 general election.

“With so much uncertainty globally, I, er, humbly ask to lead a minority government backed by Adam Bandt and a bunch of teals” has a ring to it don’t you think?

The March 8 date is familiar as it’s when the WA poll is also scheduled, but it explains perfectly why Albo and Premier Roger Cook had to talk at all about moving the WA State election date.

Albanese knows he campaigns best when voters’ focus is elsewhere. His best campaign week in 2022 was when he had COVID and only the company of Toto.

So, the distraction of a Trump administration ceding Eastern Ukraine to Putin in a day, allowing Israel to neuter Iran’s nuclear capability and slapping a 60 per cent tariff on China imports seems as good a time as any for Albo to call an election then scream “look, squirrel!” as he bolts for the line.

He’ll be more desperate than an agent with a “fire sale” sign in front of a Dulwich Hill rental dump.

Albanese will shamelessly promise far more than a $285 cut to your electricity bill with “free power from the sun and the wind” delivered with renewables.

It will also be the mother of all scare campaigns on nuclear power and three-eyed fish.

Labor knows how beyond hopeless their frontman is, so will instead scrape the sludge bucket bare and run a campaign of smear and fear against Dutton.

The campaign timing will also be based on the hope that Aussies will have a great Christmas of beach cricket, sunburn and hangovers all washed down with too many prawns and ham with family and friends.

I’ve seen the polling and voters genuinely come back happier in the New Year, regardless of how the year before ended.

Labor will hope a little too much fun in the sun will lull voters into a false sense of hope.

Cost of living is the referendum question on the Albanese Government, so waiting even longer for the RBA not to cut rates and people getting power bills without a taxpayer funded rebate just sees May being a bridge too far for Labor.

The whip smart national secretary Paul Erickson timed his annual address to the Labor caucus to perfection.

He’d not spoken since Albo lost his Voice and gave this address while the PM was in Rio.

He knows the challenge for a Labor isn’t about running on abortion rights or the “values” of inner city elites like Kamal Harris did in the US, it’s about Labor winning seats from the Greens in Queensland and sandbagging in SA and WA.

That will at least reduce the number of nutters required to secure minority government.

As Albanese dreams of getting a gold watch gifted to him for safe keeping and winning a 10-seat majority, he’s hoping voters will rest easy and order a Royale with cheese.

The great fear from more seasoned election watchers is that Christmas won’t be enough and as Albanese runs for the polls voters respond with “Say what again!”

There will be plenty of uncomfortable silences as Labor crunches the final numbers and works out in fact there’s no great time to go to the people and that March is looking a lot better than May and another five weeks of Parliament.