Justin Langer: Being curious will get you much further in life than wasting time being judgemental

After last week’s article on living your best life, a friend sent me a short YouTube video with the words, “you can add this to your inspiration room JL”.

The video was a scene from the TV series Ted Lasso; a series I, like so many, took great delight from during COVID and beyond. In the scene, Ted Lasso’s wise, humble counsel went something like this:

“Guys have underestimated me my entire life, and for years I never understood why – it used to really bother me. Then one day I was driving my little boy to school, and I saw a quote by Walt Whitman, it was painted on the wall there and it said, ‘Be curious, not judgmental.’ I like that.”

“So, I get back in my car and I’m driving to work and all of a sudden it hits me – all them fellas that used to belittle me, not a single one of them was curious. You know, they thought they had everything all figured out, so they judged everything, and they judged everyone. And I realised that their underestimating me – who I was, had nothing to do with it. Because if they were curious, they would’ve asked questions.”

The philosophy of “be curious, not judgmental” is significant for all of us and although I discovered this week that American author Walt Whitman never actually said those words, the sentiment doesn’t change.

As a father dealing with the trials and tribulations of bringing up four daughters, there have been times when I have wanted to scream and shout at injustices, or bullying, towards my kids. Over the years though I have found that staying curious and asking questions has provided me with far greater clarity and peaceful perspective when solving problems.

Usually, the poison isn’t about the ones I most love, but rather about those delivering the behaviours. Looking deeper has provided me with greater solace. As hard as it is to see your kids hurting, most times the perpetrator needs a hug, a mentor, or some love. This approach takes courage but it is far better than aggression.

Recently I was on a flight where a young boy sitting in front of me was acting up and behaving badly. He was shouting, kicking, and making a nuisance of himself. My initial reaction was to look at the parents and inwardly shake my head at the disturbance.

Being curious about the behaviour versus judging the behaviour is the best way to support any child. This is a lesson we can apply to all areas of our life.

Just before we took off, the boy’s mother knelt down next to me and explained her son’s autism. She was so lovely, and from that moment I watched in awe at the beautiful relationship between the parents and their son. Judging was easy, but curiosity as I discovered was much more fulfilling and interesting.

From the parent’s point of view, I read an interesting insight on an anonymous blog this week, “as a mum and advocate for kids with disabilities, I get frustrated with so much focus being on a child’s behaviour. I’ve had teachers and school administrators tell my kid to be quiet when having a meltdown, versus trying to support them. I’ve heard other parents make judgments about a child based on their behaviour instead of being compassionate”.

Being curious about the behaviour versus judging the behaviour is the best way to support any child. While it seems obvious when dealing with children, this is a lesson we can apply to all areas of our life – at work, home, and our personal reflections.”

We experienced this bias as young parents. When my eldest daughter was a baby, she developed a haemangioma on her forehead. In a nutshell, she had a red lump the size of a golf ball in the middle of her beautiful forehead.

Until that time, I had never experienced personal discrimination. As a parent this was a heartbreaker. People would stare, point, whisper. If only they had asked a question or two, because the answer was simple. The lump wasn’t permanent and would dissipate with time, but there were moments where with my little angel that felt like we were holding a monster.

In the early days of my coaching career, it was easy for me to judge individuals purely on their results, body shape, or body language. What I found with experience, is that there is usually a reason for good and poor performance. Asking “why”, allowed me to help others bottle the blueprint for success and negotiate areas of improvement.

My judgmental reactions came more from my own bruised ego, than the outcome itself.

A great coach of mine used to say, “I go into every session wondering what I can learn, not what I can teach.” His mindset made our sessions fun, invigorating and inclusive.

A player, coach or team can’t be good one day, and bad another, based solely on how they perform on the day. There is so much more to it than that. On my bad days, it was easy to sulk and feel sorry for myself. Worse, I would blame others for my misfortune.

There are always reasons for performance. The cynic may describe “reasons” as excuses, (I hate excuses more than anything), but digging a little deeper into the reasons helps promote future success.

Remaining curious and asking good questions is far more valuable than judging others, yourself, your team or your colleagues. Sir Alex Ferguson once told me that when his team lost a game he would sit at his desk and ask what he could have done differently to alter the result.

As he described, ‘when teams lose, most people point the finger at everyone else. He should have done that; she could have done this. The better approach is to look at yourself first and then ask questions on how I and then we can do it better next time.’

The worst coaches, players and leaders think they know everything already. Maybe this is a sign of insecurity, fear, arrogance, laziness, ego. With these traits comes judgment over curiosity.

Judgment isn’t limited to sport, parenting, or business.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. delivered an address at Cornell College in Iowa nearly 60 years ago:

“I am convinced that men hate each other because they fear each other. They fear each other because they don’t know each other and they don’t know each other because they don’t communicate with each other, and they don’t communicate with each other because they are separated from each other. “

Over the last few years there has been much debate about Australia Day. This is another example of judgment versus curiosity. Like many issues like this, we become divided because people often want to be right, refuse to listen, or judge according to their perspective or opinion.

This division often causes anger and at times aggression. Maybe if we spent more time asking questions, we might find some middle ground.

Maybe another method is to look below the surface and ask yourself:

Be Curious, Not Judgmental…

When something happens that you don’t want to happen.

When you don’t get what you want.

When somebody else does it better than you.

Be curious, not judgmental.

When you hear NO rather than YES.

When it’s just taking too long.

When you’re listening to a story with an obvious ending.

Be curious, not judgmental.

When the same thing keeps happening to you, again and again.

When somebody is saying something (saying anything).

When you’re having the same negative thoughts in your head.

Be curious, not judgmental.

When you feel awful inside.

When the world outside feels scary.

When you just don’t know what to do.

Be curious, not judgmental.

When the path seems to come to an end.

When the money runs out.

When the words dry up.

Be curious, not judgmental.

(Author Unknown)

This applies to everyone.