Wine Chats: What’s the worst massage you’ve ever had?

Billi Milovanovic and Lyndsey Kirkwood
The Nightly
4 Min Read
WATCH NOW: We love a good massage, especially Billi who loves to be oiled up and rubbed down (don’t be gross.) But what happens when massages go wrong?

We love a good massage, especially Billi who loves to be oiled up and rubbed down (don’t be gross.) But what happens when massages go wrong?

Before we tuck into this topic, we first make fun of Lyndsey who doesn’t understand how the media world works after she mistook The Nightly mic muff for a stubby cooler — rookie! And of course, we had to crack open a bottle of the gorgeous Little Ripples Pinot Grigio so we could settle in and tell you about the times our massages attacked.

What could go wrong?

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Billi: Okay, Linny, what are we doing today?

Lyndsey: We’re going to talk about all the things that could go wrong during a massage because you and I go regularly. I get remedial…

Billi: I get whatever, like oil me up and rub me down. I don’t care.

Lyndsey: But, honestly, do you go for a relaxation massage? Or do you go for like ailments and get in there…

Billi: It’s probably for relaxation for me mostly.

Lyndsey: I think you might get a rub and tug, ‘cause you won’t say what type of massage.

Billi: Nobody’s ever offered, but I’m not opposed to it.

Lyndsey: Question when you have your, whatever massage you’re having, does your nose get clogged?

Billi: Yes. Sometimes.

Lyndsey: So when I go in, I consciously breathe through my nose to keep the airways going but the last one, when I went, I literally could not breathe. My nose was so blocked, so I was breathing through my mouth. But the thing is, you know, when you breathe through your mouth and you’re on your face, you start to drool? I couldn’t even swallow my saliva because I couldn’t breathe. And you know, when you try and swallow and things are blocked, it was a hot mess, literally a hot mess.

A real messy concern

Lyndsey: Have you ever had to poop?

Billi: No. I mean, yes, but not during a massage.

Lyndsey: This is a concern of mine.

Billi: You are hilarious. Lyndsey has a poop problem.

Lyndsey: I do. When I have to go, I have to go. Thankfully, I’ve never had any issues so far having a massage, but one of my freakouts is like, what if it just happens? As in they poke in the wrong place and it just happens.

Billi: Well, then you just go, excuse me, I need the bathroom.

Lyndsey: Do you, though?

Billi: Well, what are you going to do? Poop on the table?

Lyndsey: No, but like how awkward.

When massages attack!

Billi: This is so precious and I know you’re going to laugh at me, but when the massage is too hard, I just can’t. This one time, I literally left the place and I felt like I was bruised. But I said something during the massage and I said it a number of times. At first, when she started, I was like, I’m not a weightlifter, I’m not a 300-pound dude, you don’t need to get your elbows into me. She was massaging me so hard, I can’t even tell you. And I was like, can you please take it down a notch? Then she takes down a notch for two seconds and then goes back to it. I gritted my teeth through the whole thing. I almost started crying about how bad it was. At what point do you just go, okay, I’m just going to leave. Like, please stop.

Lyndsey: You should!

Billi: And then I didn’t say anything afterwards! I was like, okay, see you later. Cause I get really scared of saying things. Of course, Lyndsey would have written them a letter.

Lyndsey: I would have said it right then.

Billi: Of course you would have. Not just go into Google reviews and give them a bad review, like I would have.

Thank goodness we’re better at hiding

We wrap things up for the week by thanking the womanly gods for giving women the ability to hide their potential erections better than men during massages and acknowledging that there are just so many things that could go wrong.

We hope you enjoyed hanging out with us this week on The Nightly and please join us for a brand new episode next Friday. Until then, cheers and chat soon.

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