THE ECONOMIST: Dear managers, all is not well with our extreme employee biohack project

Dear fellow-leaders, It’s been one month since we introduced our new extreme-wellness programme for our team-mates, and as promised, here is a summary of our experiences to date.

In the initial weeks a few people had trouble adjusting to our recommended regime. As you may recall, we asked our colleagues to share their morning routines on the intranet. Many of them got up much earlier than before in order to do some form of exercise, morning meditation or gratitude journalling. Two people in particular became extremely competitive with each other about waking times, and ended up not going to bed at all for three days.

We also offered general advice to colleagues on what they should eat, but because of an unfortunate proof-reading error, we recommended that people remove all protein and carbohydrates from their diets. The early starts and severe malnutrition caused unusual fatigue. Many colleagues fell asleep in the mid-afternoon; several reported drifting off in one meeting and waking in an entirely different one. We think that this is a temporary phase, especially now that our dietary guidance has been reissued, and that energy levels will soon start to rise dramatically.

The removal of all sugary snacks from the office has gone very well. There was some grumbling at first, but it turns out that people will eat absolutely anything if it is free and the alternative is working. Nuts, oatcakes, birdseed: it all gets eaten. Some members of staff have even chewed through packaging just because it’s there. The raw-milk option has been less successful. Several people have gone off sick and we have incurred a large one-off cleaning bill after an explosive incident in the lobby.

We have issued nasal dilation devices to all staff to help them improve their sleep and increase oxygenation. Several co-workers are also taping their mouths shut at night to make sure they breathe only through the nose. One is wearing this tape during the day, too, and I have received several emails suggesting that this practice be extended to specific members of the senior leadership team.

As part of our emphasis on getting better rest, we have also issued sleep-tracking devices to a small subset of people on staff. The only detectable change is that they are all a lot more worried about how well they are sleeping.

To stimulate the vagus nerve, we have been encouraging people to immerse their faces in cold water at regular intervals. Some people are bringing bowls of iced water to meetings and occasionally plunging their heads into them. We are monitoring this behaviour. We think it may just be a way of staying awake.

Take-up of massages, yoga and breathwork classes has been high. Our new red-light booths are also extremely popular, and usually overbooked as a result. People are finding their own ways to get the benefits of red-light therapy for cell regeneration and reduced inflammation. One colleague has taken to strapping a computer mouse to her face in the belief that the red light-emitting diode will help in some way. Another takes his lunch break standing directly in front of the traffic lights outside the office. Both swear to feeling a lot younger. Neither is right.

The introduction of treadmill desks has been problematic. One person pressed the wrong button, and ended up recording a personal best for the 800 metres before flying into the wall. Two people gashed their chins on the edge of their desks when they lost their footing trying to walk and share their screens. We have installed foam coverings on all desks to protect people from inflicting further harm on themselves.

We have also seen a rise in other minor injuries during these early weeks of the programme. A few people have struggled to use balance boards for the first time. Massage balls and foam rollers have been left lying around, with inevitable consequences. Again, we think these mishaps are only a temporary phase.

Happy to take you through this in greater detail. I know how much the idea of improving the health and performance of our employees matters to you all. There have been some teething problems but if anything, they make the case for doing more to enhance our people. They are plainly not all operating at their full potential. At least, I sincerely hope they aren’t.

Stay absurdly well!

Ernest Fadd, Director of High Performance