Caroline Strawson: Leading trauma therapist discusses 7 signs your friend could be suffering emotional abuse
![One often imagines abuse as physical, but emotional abuse can be equally harmful. As a trauma therapist, I’ve seen its profound impact.](https://images.thenightly.com.au/publication/C-15645111/0296dea3fe1382a42a5f6096b617d262af0525ac-16x9-x0y67w1280h720.jpg?imwidth=810)
One often imagines an abusive relationship involving physical violence.
Emotional abuse, however, is equally harmful. It leaves no visible scars, but the damage can be devastating and last a lifetime. As a trauma therapist, I have seen the profound impact of emotional abuse on mental and physical health.
Emotional abuse involves behaviours that manipulate, intimidate and undermine the victim’s sense of self-worth and mental wellbeing.
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By continuing you agree to our Terms and Privacy Policy.Because the damage is often inflicted behind closed doors, it is harder for those on the outside to recognise – and even harder to address.
However, understanding the signs of emotional abuse and knowing how to support a friend or loved one could be life-saving for them and make a significant difference in their journey to recovery. Here are seven key signs to look out for . . .
1. SHE OFTEN CANCELS GET-TOGETHERS
Abusers often control who their partner can see and speak to in a bid to isolate them from support networks, so they have to rely entirely on their abuser and can’t ask for help. If your friend seems increasingly distant, it could be a sign of emotional abuse.
The next time she wriggles out of a lunch date, don’t get cross. Regularly check in with her. Your support can make a significant difference, even if she doesn’t always reply.
2. HE IS CONSTANTLY PUTTING HER DOWN
An emotionally abusive partner will criticise and belittle their victim, making them feel worthless and incapable. If your friend tells you she is being put down or made to feel inadequate, or if you see her partner speaking to her in this way, this is a red flag.
Also, be aware that it’s a big deal if she feels able to share this with you in the first place. Acknowledge her feelings and let her know that it’s OK to feel scared, angry, or confused. Validating her emotions is crucial in helping her regain her sense of self.
3. SHE’S ALWAYS APOLOGISING
If your friend seems confused about her own experiences, constantly questions her memory or apologises excessively, she might be experiencing ‘gaslighting’ at home.
This involves making another person doubt their perception of reality — and thus their sanity. Look out for unnecessary apologies for simple slip-ups.
Because she is so used to recriminations at home, she could be terrified about the same reaction from you.
4. HE ACCUSES HER OF CHEATING
Abusers often exhibit jealousy and possessiveness, even accusing their partners of infidelity. This can lead to isolation if she feels she shouldn’t go out or speak to anyone, just in case he accuses her of flirting or seduction.
5. SHE’S WALKING ON EGGSHELLS
If your loved one seems fearful of making their partner angry, this is a sign of emotional abuse. The fear of triggering their partner’s anger can be paralysing. This can lead to a state of constant vigilance, where she is always on edge, not knowing when the next outburst might occur.
She might say: ‘He can be so loving, but sometimes he just snaps over the smallest things,’ swiftly followed by an excuse such as ‘he’s just stressed about work’. Be alert for any quiet mention of ‘this will make him angry’. She might keep things light and superficial with you for fear of her abuser finding out she has spoken about his behaviour.
6. SHE HAS LOW SELF-ESTEEM
If your once-conf ident friend now doubts her abilities and feels unworthy, it may be a sign she’s in an abusive relationship. for instance, she might start avoiding activities she once enjoyed, convinced she is no longer good enough to participate.
Compliments or praise that she used to graciously accept are now met with dismissal or disbelief. She may constantly seek validation and reassurance, expressing feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. Statements like ‘I can’t do anything right’ or ‘I’m not good enough’ will pop up in her conversations, reflecting her deepening self-doubt.
7. SHE SUFFERS FROM CHRONIC ILLNESS
Ongoing stress can take a significant physical toll. When you are stuck in survival mode, your body is on perpetual high alert, pumping out the stress hormone cortisol. This hormone can wreak havoc on the body, contributing to heart disease, high blood pressure, digestive problems, and weakened immune function.
HOW YOU CAN HELP
- Don’t try to force her to leave him. It is crucial to handle the situation delicately to avoid escalating the abuse. They know they should leave but often become stuck and addicted to the small crumbs of attention they receive from their abuser. Give her time and remind her you are always there for her.
- Find places your friend can go in an emergency, such as a friend’s house or a local shelter.
- Establish a code word or phrase that your friend can use to signal they need help without alerting the abuser.
- How to Heal After Narcissistic Abuse, by Caroline Strawson (£12.99, Hay House), is out now.