Do you have an ABC sex life? It doesn’t have to be that way

Women today are having less sex than our grandmothers had.

Back then, women didn’t even know what a bikini wax was.

Now there’s so much pressure to perform in the bedroom, to look amazing, and to have endless stamina.

I see plenty of women who think, “I’ve lost interest, my libido’s gone out the window, I’m too stressed, my hormones are all over the place and I don’t like my body!”

That’s why they’re having sex so infrequently.

So women fall into the trap of ABC sex, that’s only on anniversaries, birthdays and Christmas.

Aside from the lack of frequency, this scheduled “obligation” sex is the sort some women have when they’re trying to conceive.

It’s often perfunctory, unromantic, and there is no seduction. Frankly, it’s become a chore.

But it doesn’t have to be this way.

I’ve worked with lots of couples who’ve fallen into the ABC trap or who haven’t had sex at all for years, but they can start over.

And that can be exciting – after all, it’s almost like being a virgin again as couples get it back on track.

If this all sounds familiar, here’s my guide to making Christmas season sex so orgasmic you’ll be looking to continue the celebrations all year long . . .

Choose your words wisely

Banish all thoughts of “putting out”.

Remember, you’re with someone you love, and sex is an expression of love.

Your words shape your reality, so if you’re saying to yourself, “It’s Christmas so I must have sex with my partner” then that language makes you think it’s something that has to be done and got out of the way.

The first step is, don’t talk to yourself like that and remember why you are with them.

Reframe it as “I’m with someone who loves me and desires me, and I feel the same and I want to reactivate that sexual spark.”

The way you feel about everything really comes down to the words you use and the images you’re forming.

Remind yourself, “Yes, I fancy my husband. I want to reconnect with him. He might have a bit of a fat tummy, but I love him, and he loves me, and neither of us have perfect bodies – and that’s OK!”

It’s also important not to demote sex so it joins the thankless tasks we all have to do, like taking the bins out and emptying the dishwasher.

Pick tonight over New Year’s Eve

If you are one of those people who celebrates significant days with sex, here’s the thing about Christmas sex.

It’s not necessarily going to work on Christmas Day – so don’t feel bad if you didn’t do it then.

Why would you choose the day when you’re busy with a full house and perhaps have guests in the spare room, and when you’re stuffed with too much rich food.

The same applies to New Year’s Eve.

Too much expectation – and a fancy dinner plus staying up late – isn’t always a recipe for a great time in bed.

Sex should be erotic, exciting and a bit mysterious.

The problem is when you’ve been with someone for a long time you have intimacy, and that is often the enemy of eroticism.

The link between eroticism and intimacy is fantasy.

Find out yours – and his, then you might find the sex is a lot better.

Ask him what would turn him on, what would be exciting.

Maybe it’s about you both dressing up or role playing but if it’s going to be an event, make it a proper event.

Think about the candles and the food and music; it all helps. And choose a day when you don’t have other commitments – today sounds good to me!

Remember the younger you

People who have been married for a long time tend not to kiss as much as when they first got together.

So, before you get back to sex, try to hold hands while you’re watching television, hug more, have a bath together, ask your partner to wash your hair, and do things that are sensual.

Kissing is a great starting place.

Play the songs you loved when you were dating. It will help you remember how you felt when you first met your partner.

Dance to your wedding song together; the music can remind you how much you loved having sex and how it was connecting and thrilling.

You probably did it in the kitchen, on the stairs, and in the hallway so you need to remember that and revisit it.

Leave the bedroom

Don’t just have sex in bed.

If you’re only going to do it three times a year, then make it memorable – and then you might even want more. But sex should not be a transaction – you should be enjoying each other.

Get some erotic literature, such as the new book Want by Gillian Anderson or My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday.

Watch an erotic film, something like Belle De Jour, Secretary or Eyes Wide Shut.

It’ll knock years off you

When women have sex, we make oxytocin, which helps fight infection because it boosts your immune system and combats depression... and it’s anti-ageing to boot!

Orgasms do things for women that they just don’t do for men – because every time you have one, nature thinks you’re going to have a baby, so it will start slowing down how you age to make sure you’re fit enough to raise that baby.

It’s the glue that makes you feel connected – it’s the one thing you’re not doing with anyone else, so why wouldn’t you prioritise it?

Forget what you look like

Focus on what it feels like to be wrapped around your partner’s body and holding each other.

Enthusiasm is more important than looking perfect.

When women don’t like their bodies, they don’t want to share them with anyone.

They wrongly believe everyone else looks hot, and it makes them feel inadequate. But comparison is the thief of joy.

Remember, men don’t care if you’ve got cellulite.

What they like is an enthusiastic, fun, warm partner.

Use candles, get under the sheets, and put on some lingerie you feel good in.

No one expects you to look like a movie star, but make sure you feel like one!

Enjoy what it feels like to enjoy them and to have them enjoy you – it’s one of the best feelings in the world.

Keep going!

Make it a New Year’s resolution to have sex more – at least twice a month to keep the spark alive.

That’s not a big thing.

There’s nothing wrong with scheduling sex, as long as it’s not as a chore.

A lot of women will wait until the kids are at a party on Saturday afternoon, then go home and have sex with their husbands.

Schedule it with enthusiasm because you want to, not because he expects it.