Four rules for better conversations: ‘We’re all very hungry to feel understood,’ says Harvard professor

I attended a party recently where the conversation just couldn’t gain momentum. Many of us didn’t know each other and surface-level topics were exhausted after the first hour.

Then, one of my more candid friends asked everyone to share their salaries.

At first, I was mortified. In what world was that going to make anyone feel more comfortable?

To my surprise, though, it did. After the first few people volunteered their salary information, the party quickly turned around.

Did you know a firefighter could make $140,000? I did not.

We were all asking each other follow-up questions, being vulnerable about where we were in our careers — and where we wish we were.

After talking to Alison Wood Brooks, a professor at Harvard Business School and author of “Talk: The Science Of Conversation And The Art of Being Ourselves,” I started to understand why this unorthodox, and often perceived as impolite, question saved the party.

“We’re all very hungry to feel understood,” she says.

“It’s not even that we need people to agree with us. We just need to know that what we said or did registered.”

We’d all have been lying if we said that we didn’t want to know what others earned, and that curiosity made us all exceptional listeners, and therefore, conversationalists.

I’m not sure I’d suggest this specific tactic the next time there’s a lull in a conversation, but Brooks has some other ideas on how to have better discussions with anyone.

In her book, the word “TALK” is actually an acronym for all the ingredients you need.

Here’s Brooks’ playbook for having better conversations.

Topics: In the same way you put thought into your outfit before attending an event, it’s smart to prepare some conversation topics that could be relevant to the group. In her book, Brooks offers ups some questions to help you prep:

What happened during our last conversation that I can call back to?

What’s happened in their life since we last spoke that I can or should remember to ask about?

What can I share about my perspective or my life that might be interesting, fun, or helpful to them?

Not all topics need to be deep. Small talk is perfectly OK, so long as you don’t get stuck chatting about something like the weather for too long. A good conversation, Brooks says, toggles between deeper discussions and lighter subjects.

Asking: You can never ask too many questions. Even insincere inquiries are generally appreciated. If you want to change topics, asking a question can serve as a good transition and prepare others to switch gears.

There are, however, some types of questions Brooks says you should avoid.

“Boomerasking”: Questions that you really just want to answer yourself.

Gotcha questions: This is when you ask a question meant to test someone else’s knowledge.

Repeated questions: Asking for the same information in different ways.

Levity: Pre-planning topics and focusing on asking the right questions is as important as facilitating fun. Conversations should be a good time. Giving compliments often and really laughing at others’ jokes can bring some joy and excitement to the interaction.

Kindness: Really try to understand what other people are saying and aim to make them feel seen. Ask follow-up questions that show you’re not judging, but trying to learn more.

You don’t have to agree with them, but you should communicate that you respect how they feel and what they’re saying.

When going around the circle, sharing our salaries, pretty much all of these boxes were ticked. And then, we were able to transition into other topics.

One person told us they took a pay cut to pursue a career as a chef.

Another felt grossly overpaid for her work, but felt like that had more to do with her imposter syndrome than her skill set.

The question facilitated some deeper talks, and also allowed room for some levity.

Last week, I ran into someone who I’d only talked to briefly at this party. “How crazy was that question?” he asked me.

And for about 15 minutes we had another great conversation.