DEAR BEL: Why should I feel guilty as the other woman in an affair? It is his cross to bear!

Dear Bel,

Recently ‘Evie’ asked you, ‘Can I move on from my husband’s betrayal?’ Well, I am one of those people decried as ‘the other woman’ — just at the end of a four-year affair with a man who has everything.

He’s in his mid-50s, his partner is 32 I am 61. He was well-known, and his partner, too. They have had two children while our affair has been running and they will marry next year.

Oh why did he push our very close, long-standing, platonic friendship into an affair? Because he could — he’s tall, athletic and totally gorgeous, articulate and unbelievably charming.

I am highly successful in my field and we have had some very intense, luxury stays in hotels throughout the land.

He courted me with telephone calls, expressing longing to see me, even when with her.

Yes, I had a husband, but after 30 years of marriage we’d become a sexless friendship and I am in the process of leaving him. He remains ignorant of the affair.

My behaviour was reprehensible so — although broken-hearted — I’m not expecting sympathy. I’ve told no one; even I can’t see why, with the pleasure of a 32-year-old at home, he schemed to be with me for a night or two. You were so correct when you explained these men do it ‘because they can’.

I was so flattered when he made a move on me because I never felt he’d look at me because of the age difference (although I’m no aged harridan!).

I was so in love — but now wonder what’s wrong with him.

Life goes on, but I’m not sure I’d bet on him ‘forsaking all others’ next year.

You rightly cite the ability to ­compartmentalise; he was attentive, loving and I was his world — when I was with him.

It was intoxicating and addictive and made me desperate for the next time. I deluded myself into believing I was giving him something he wasn’t experiencing in their relationship.

I’m hurt, a little bitter, but know you will ask if I feel guilt. Yes, for my husband, who did not deserve this.

Apart from that I’m afraid not. As I see it, guilt is his cross to bear. What do you think?

-- Emma

It is brave of you to write and I’m glad you have been able to put the case for that often reviled person, ‘the other woman’.

Not that you would see it that way, I’m sure.

But your honesty in describing how you were flattered by the attractive man’s attention, and fell in love, and longed to be with him, and just lived for those rendezvous in hotels all will be recognised by other women in your position.

You are a successful person in your own right, and yet love turned you into an addict, with no thought for the ­consequences of your actions.

I hope and pray that feeling of total recklessness (so common in humankind) does not lead you into any sort of vengeance now. By that I mean, to be blunt, you don’t take it upon yourself to tell this man’s fiancée exactly what kind of man she is marrying.

They have two children; disclosure would only hurt you even more in the end. Maybe you haven’t thought of revenge but that would make you a saint. You say you are ‘bitter’ — and it’s easy to see why.

You have been ditched by the very charismatic younger man who dominated your thoughts for four years. He was your friend and colleague before that, so you knew him well, but still you were unprepared for the onslaught on your feelings.

The fact that you fell for him so heavily must have been massively pleasing to his ego. So the lucky bloke could be making babies with his much younger girlfriend, while meeting you for sexy trysts in hotels and assuring you that all the time he was with her he was thinking about you. What a two-timing s***!

Yes, I mentioned compartmentalisation in my reply to ‘Evie’ a couple of weeks ago, but just because I’m right, it doesn’t make the behaviour better.

But I know that for a certain kind of person (male or female) it isn’t that hard to be two people in the same body, arrogantly, greedily wanting everything to fall into your lap and stay there. I doubt he ever feels guilt about anything.

Anyway, now it’s ended you have to pay careful attention to what you will do with the rest of your life. Is it really all over with your husband?

A contented marriage without sex could be the very thing you need, after the emotional chaos of your affair.

A friend, a companion and some peace. That sounds just fine to me. You say he knows nothing — and I hope he remains in that state of ignorance while you suffer in silence.

I can’t believe you ever thought your lover would leave his partner to be with you; you just had to live in the moment and enjoy the thrills.

Now you have to live in this moment of tough realism, but realise that it will pass. I hope you can disguise your hurt feelings and focus on your success in your profession — and ditch the bitterness.

In your heart you must have known it would end like this. No choice but to deal with it.

-- Bel

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