DANE ELDRIDGE: Brendon McCullum’s bizarre Gabba loss excuse shows how out of touch he is as Ashes slip away

In Bazball’s latest attempt to alter the face of modern cricket, England have rolled over twice in two matches and they still reckon they’ve earned a doona day.

After copping an eight wicket pizzling at the Gabba, the tourists are in the hopeless position of needing to emulate Don Bradman’s 1936-37 side by becoming only the second team in history to overturn a 2-0 deficit in an Ashes series.

But even bleaker, they find themselves here after producing two capitulations inside six measly days to an Australian side that’s as mishmashed as a roadhouse mixed grill.

While it’s not the first time the Poms have embarrassed themselves in Australia, virtually relinquishing the Urn in such futile manner is still traditionally a concern for the Poms whenever it occurs- and for the majority of them, this time is no different.

But not inside the cosy bosom of the inner sanctum, where everything isn’t just calm, it’s hunky dory.

For those who missed the post-match of England’s surrender, coach Brendon McCullum briefly unsealed himself from his sensory deprivation tank to nonchalantly claim that, if anything, his vanquished side was “over-prepared”.

Pointing to the drain of “five intense training days” beforehand, McCullum revealed in hindsight that “the boys just need a few days off” and to “change up a few of the training methods.”

So they are now in Noosa to unwind after a torturous six days of Test cricket to sink some warm beer and avoid the use of sunscreen like they have the barrage of criticism from the English greats back home.

England’s grotesque form with the willow has infected the rest of the team too now their disdain for dot balls has been adopted by the bowlers.

Put simply, there’s only three valid explanations why the coach would believe his boys need a spell despite downing tools early for the second time in a fortnight; he’s either mad, stubborn or just a staunch pro-union man.

Either way, as poorly-timed foot-in-mouth clangers go, it should be immediately hung in the Guggenheim as history’s finest illustration of how not to read a room.

While nobody is denying the value of a spot of R+R in this modern era of paranoid player welfare, everybody knows the worst time for a lie down is in the immediate seconds after a ginormous arse kicking.

Furthermore, it’s also cricket PR 101 that you don’t spend six weeks failing to adjust to Australian conditions only to reveal to your fatigued fans after another flogging that you probably would’ve held on to a few more catches if the boys had an extra sleep-in or two beforehand.

While putting your feet up hasn’t been one of Bazball’s more famed tenets - except when it refers to England’s top order batters religiously nicking off early - McCullum’s insistence of zagging against the grain with these Gen Z principles proves that bro again has misunderstood the assignment.

Sure, had England capitalised on their encouraging first innings with another solid stick in the second - like Jofra Archer and his pillow indicated - any reward of a few days rest would’ve barely caused a ripple.

But after slumping to 6-128 - debunking any inclination the seamer was preparing to be put to sleep by his Pommy teammates batting like turtles - the last answer for England’s malaise was more days off.

And it doesn’t end at the batting.

England’s grotesque form with the willow has infected the rest of the team too now their disdain for dot balls has been adopted by the bowlers.

Despite a brief spell of fiery bowling in the first innings in Perth, England’s attack has lacked focus to the point of apathy.

In fact, they’d been serving up rusty muffins ever since this opening blast until Steve Smith jumpstarted Jofra Archer with the game already gone at the Gabba.

It’s this haphazard bowling along with the dipsy batting that all point to McCullum’s England lacking ticker and attention to detail- traits that cannot be recaptured on the golf course or in a semi-circle discussing your feelings.

Of course, any side with a modicum of self-reflection would camp in the nets, work on their fielding or even just hit the ball up the hallway of the Marriott, if only for the optics.

But when this England side treats five days of training in a 12 day block as chain gang stuff, it’s no surprise they’ve continued to refuse practice games in Australia like it’s a travel warning from DFAT.

In fact, McCullum’s men have played only one scratch match since arriving- and it was against themselves so it was hardly a tough hitout.

At least previous teams could attribute their malaise to alpha Aussie teams or Nasser Hussain blacking out at the toss.