DANE ELDRIDGE: We can’t survive without Australia’s obsession of Smudge and Starc

It’s the first test of the 2064 Ashes.

England is skippered by Joe Root the Third, Ben Stokes’ grandson is under investigation for a nightclub incident, and Aussie selectors are still considering ‘squeezing one more series out of Smudge and Starcy.’

Steve Smith and Mitchell Starc are 37 and 36 years of age respectively, yet somehow they remain the future of Australian cricket because without them we’ll be stuffed.

While the Aussies are still one of test cricket’s premier ‘teams’, in recent times it’s only because these two superheroes have bailed us out more times than Lois Lane.

It was no different against Bangladesh, with Smith again the only Aussie bat besides Cameron Green who didn’t struggle like the pitch had a bed of mushrooms on a good length.

And while not as grossly unassisted on the other side of the ball, Starc’s player of the series award - his second in succession after his one-man demolition job on the Poms last summer - speaks for itself.

With nothing in the cupboard for Australia and a generation torched in favour of this aging side, it’s time to face reality:

We clearly cannot survive as a force without this pair, so can Smith wave his light saber in to his 50’s? And will Starc be okay getting through the crease in a zimmer frame?

Already celebrated as the best thing since bread and Bradman, Smith has subsidised batting collapses so long there’s teammates hiding among his heroic runs who haven’t scored a ton for three years.

Yep, Smith has picked up the tab so often that a guy like Marnus Labuschagne can maintain his spot despite barely hitting it off the square since the Joe Biden administration.

As for Starc, not only is he the mainstay in a Hall of Fame attack that has struggled in recent years to all be available at the same time, his rescue efforts are best described using darts parlance because he makes paltry 180 totals look like 501’s.

Take nothing away from Pat Cummins and Josh Hazlewood, but Starc is invaluable because he can inverse a match by swinging the ball with such vicious accuracy it could swerve down an S-bend without touching PVC.

Of course, at some point we’ll need to adapt to life without them, and not just because it’s bordering on elder abuse.

In a perfect world, Smith and Starc would be shown the proper respect of being slowly pensioned off in to a quiet life of insurance ads and franchise cricket.

But sadly we need these blokes to play indefinitely, not only because they’re performing with stellar command, but because they’re the last of the genuine test match specialists.

In a test scene of reverse-engineered white-ball nymphs, Smith and Starc appease this nation’s traditionalist sensibilities by caring deeply for the red ball.

Smith is the only hard-nose left who could bat out for a draw with a filibuster innings, whereas Starc is one of the rare few to knock back franchise money to concentrate on making the red ball sing.

Right now it feels like there’s nothing in the cupboard for Australian test cricket- and that’s because there isn’t.

Of course, the only place to find a replacement in wintertime is the nets, on the circuit for the Mumbai Magicians, or down the aisle on the A380 to Johannesburg.

But most damning is the Sheffield Shield, with our once-fertile shop window of summertime now as barren as the winter wasteland.

While the bowling stocks are serviceable if you include everyone with stress fractures, it’s the batting causing most headaches.

Whether its technique, philosophy, conditions or Instagram reels, everyone thinks 30 is a good score nowadays because nobody can build an innings to save their life.

In fact, our batters have become so abject at negotiating the swinging ball that organisers have changed the rules of the domestic competition to address the nation’s woeful batting averages.

This includes an edict for batting-friendly decks and lengthening the middle session to extend the best time of day for seeing the ball- but it’s pure band-aid stuff.

If anything, Australia’s dreadful batting against the Tigers proves more radical fundamental change is needed, starting with reducing to one stump.

This is why the stock value of Smith and Starc are at all time highs.

One is the only batter who won’t waft at a wide one after ‘toughing out’ a 45 ball ‘vigil’, and the other is our only hope of rescuing the mess left behind by the rest.