My colleagues are gossiping about my friend’s affair with the hottest guy in the office. How do I tell her?

Dear Nicole,

Two of my senior colleagues are having a romance which they have gone to a lot of trouble to keep secret. But everyone seems to know about it — do people have some kind of sixth sense about these things?

There’s a lot of talk about the couple because our company takes a dim view of workplace affairs — and may even require them to be disclosed. The complicating factor is that both parties are married.

I barely know the guy, but am friends with the woman. My boyfriend and I have socialised with her and her husband.

Should I mention to her that people are gossiping — and not always sympathetically — or keep out of it? If you do think I should say something, how do I broach the issue without sounding judgmental, interfering or even jealous?

The guy is the hottest man in the office — which could be the reason why some of my co-workers seem to be so het up over this — Adele.

Dear Adele,

I have experienced the unease of knowing two colleagues are in an illicit affair in an office environment, so I know how you feel.

The landscape has changed dramatically over the past 15 years as online dating has taken off, but a significant number of people still meet their partners at work.

Of course, many now work from home for at least two days a week. Some employers have tried to outlaw office relationships, saying it undermines team spirit and distracts from the task at hand, especially for small businesses.

I don’t think it is right to try to prevent romances from developing at work. Those involved should be encouraged to be as discreet as possible and the evidence is that, if a serious romance does develop at work, one of the partners moves jobs and, in heterosexual relationships, that is often the woman.

YouGov published a poll in February 2020 on where people commonly meet their partner. Some 18 per cent said they had met in the workplace, 18 per cent had met via friends and 13 per cent had met either online or via a dating app.

So it is inevitable we will come across colleagues involved in a romance, and it may well be that either one or both are married. I agree that it is more awkward for colleagues if the relationship is an illicit affair, but it is difficult to know what is going on in someone else’s existing relationship.

If it is failing, then it is hard to begrudge that person the chance of happiness. The cost of divorce is so high that many people remain in a marriage for financial reasons but live separate lives. I think it is wrong to ‘judge’ someone for having an extra-marital affair without knowing the full background.

From what you have said, this affair seems to be causing disruption to the environment for you and your colleagues. Does your ultimate boss know about this?

If not, I would suggest that you go and talk to him or her. It is their job to deal with it. You said that the organisation took a dim view of workplace romances and may even require disclosure. I am not an expert in employment law, but I don’t think you can force people to disclose that they are in a relationship unless there is a conflict of interest that could have an impact on the business.

You asked if you should tell your female colleague that everyone is talking about her affair. I think this would be a good idea as she may be unaware of the impact it is having on the organisation overall.

However, if she is committed to the relationship and he is as handsome as you say, then I doubt she will end the affair just because you are all talking about it. More likely, she or her lover will decide to leave, which would at least calm things down for the rest of you.

If you do decide to discuss it with her, you should still talk to your boss.

Proper management of a business involves dealing with sensitive issues of this sort.