Former firefighter’s journey with PTSD: Bill MacLean’s battle and mission to support mental health in emergency workers

Bill MacLean served as a NSW firefighter for 24 years before an invisible illness took that career from him.

The now 58-year-old faced some incredible challenges on the job but maintains the bravest thing he ever did was put his hand up to ask for help.

Bill — who says he has always wanted to help people — joined the then NSW Fire Brigades, now Fire and Rescue NSW, in 1990 and served his community for many years, from Newtown in Sydney to Umina Beach on the Central Coast.

Over the years, his mental health began to decline as the often-confronting circumstances of the job took its toll.

Bill tackled delicate rescue missions, massive blazes and horrific accidents — and even lost a few of his colleagues.

“I was diagnosed with PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) in 2003 but it took me years to actually accept it,” he told 7NEWS.com.au.

“I just had this belief that I’m 6’3 (190cm tall) and I’m bulletproof — that can’t be me.

“Where I grew up you had to be tough ... so I grew up believing I had to just ‘suck it up buttercup’.”

In 2005, Bill bravely decided to get an official diagnosis — something he says made “everyone”, including his wife, happy.

He then took some time off but was frustrated when a former colleague questioned his leave.

“He asked me ‘What did you do to get that PTSD leave ... did you pull the mental health card?’,” Bill said.

“I just saw red ... because you cannot fake this injury.

“When people accuse you of ‘pulling the mental health card’ — even just saying that does so much damage.”

Bill went back to work but just a few years later, in 2009 when he was stationed on the NSW Central Coast, he was called out to a car crash.

“One of the kids in the car I knew ... he played cricket with my son,” he said.

“And on the job I was fine ... I did the job and did the rescue ... got them out and everything, but later on I was just a mess ... an absolute mess.”

Bill spoke to his psychologist who confronted him a devastating reality.

“He said I had to either leave the fire brigade or find a job within fire that was not operational,” he said.

But simply stopping work in the field wasn’t a cure-all, and Bill says he continued to struggle with PTSD for many years.

Things hit a boiling point when he attempted suicide — three separate times.

“On one occasion, my wife just looked at me and she knew,” he said.

“She could see it in my eyes ... and she said you’re not well ... and I just started crying and I ended up back in hospital.”

At age 48, Bill made the decision to “medically retire” from the job he had loved for so many years.

“I was told I could never work again due to my condition,” he said.

“For about 18 months I did nothing but try to get a handle on the fact I wasn’t a fireman anymore ... which is hard ... and trying to get a handle on the PTSD.”

Then Bill was given a chance to become a FRNSW training and assessment officer — a role that wasn’t on the front lines, but still with the brigades and in which he could still give back to his community.

“I was giving back and I was teaching all different guys and girls,” he said.

“And I got to catch up with so many people I hadn’t seen in a long time since being stationed up the coast.”

Bill says he continues to navigate his trauma every single day but takes solace in knowing he can help others.

“I’ve got all the tools in place now and I’ve got things that I want to do, but even two days ago for example I was so flat and there’s still so many triggers,” he said.

“But years ago I’d be beating myself up, now I can understand it and work on it.

“It took me a long time to realise I had to have self-compassion in order to get well ... earlier I would have deemed it as selfishness, but I’ve since realised it’s not.”

Sadly Bill is not alone, with startling figures of mental illness among first responders making headlines in the years following the deadly Black Summer bushfires of 2020.

A 2022 study, by the University of Western Australia’s Dr David Lawrence, found more than 5,000 firefighters had reported a high need for mental health support as they endured probable PTSD and suicidal ideation.

Of these, only 1 in 5 felt they had received enough mental health support to meet their needs.

Bill says another way he wants to give back and help others who may by struggling with mental health issues is by hosting a Big Blue Table breakfast with mental health organisation Beyond Blue.

Beyond Blue CEO Georgie Harman said sharing a meal is a great opportunity to connect with people.

“One of the most challenging things about facing mental health issues can be the sense of isolation and shame that many people feel, which can prevent them from reaching out for support,” Harman said.

“A Big Blue Table is an opportunity to get together and foster a sense of connection with others. When people feel less alone, and part of a community, they are stronger and better equipped to cope with life’s ups and downs.

“Nearly half of everyone in Australia will experience a mental health condition in their life. When we connect as people, checking in with each other and opening up about our mental health and wellbeing, we all do better.”

Bill’s lunch will take place on October 30 at Umina Beach Cafe.

“In my time as a firefighter, I’ve had a lot of mates take their own lives,” he said.

“They didn’t think they had someone to speak to about what they were going through and that makes me sad.

“I speak about my own mental health recovery because, if I don’t speak up, others won’t know they’re not on their own.

“I want people to know that it’s not weak to speak. If someone hears my story and thinks ‘that’s me’ then that’s one person who I’ve helped and it’s worth it.”

If you need help in a crisis, call Lifeline on 13 11 14. For further information about depression contact beyondblue on 1300224636 or talk to your GP, local health professional or someone you trust.