Sirens TV show review: Netflix miniseries has no hypnotic pull

One of the advantages of streaming distribution is, in theory, every series is only as long as it needs to be.

In the early days of Netflix, there was a mandate that every show had to hit 13 episodes, even if the story didn’t necessitate it. It led to a lot of bloat, especially for a series that told one serialised narrative.

That changed long ago and now you get shows that span all kinds of episode counts, but it seems like the five-chapter instalment is something to be wary of. Like, why wasn’t it six? It obviously didn’t have enough meat to stretch it out, so it probably shouldn’t even be five.

The five-episode show should come with a warning light. Or, perhaps more precisely, the five-episode miniseries that’s set on a ritzy island estate, features a mysterious and icy matriarch, and also stars Meghann Fahy, should come with a warning light.

Sirens, which stars Fahy, Julianne Moore, Milly Alcock and Kevin Bacon, is not the same as The Perfect Couple, despite their visual, tonal and geolocation similarities. There’s no murder mystery to solve, and a more contained core cast.

But it’s also not-not The Perfect Couple.

The most glaring resemblance is that like The Perfect Couple, Sirens should have been a movie. There is neither enough story nor character development to justify five hours of runtime. So, now we’re back to bloat.

Bloat(ish) is fine if you’re a procedural or a sitcom, or a really fun hang-out show with characters that you just want to be around, but Sirens is definitely not that. It’s serialised, only occasionally fun and the characters, well, you could take them or leave them.

It’s not as funny as you think it’s meant to be but on the flipside, there are some performances here from a fabulous cast that are quite enjoyable. Sirens is a “if you have nothing else to do” rather than a “strictly avoid”.

Despite the marketing that puts Moore at the centre (and if you have Moore, why wouldn’t you), Fahy is the lead here. She plays Devon, a young woman from Buffalo, New York who’s had problems with alcohol and small run-ins with the cops. She takes care of her dad, Bruce (Bill Camp), who is deteriorating from early on-set Alzheimer’s.

Devon is very concerned about her younger sister, Simone (Alcock, an Australian actor who’s slated to be next Supergirl), who is the personal assistant to philanthropist Michaela (Moore). Devon is also a bit resentful towards Simone, who hasn’t been home in quite a few years, and hasn’t helped out with their father.

Simone works and lives on Michaela’s (or Kiki, as she calls her boss) sprawling estate on an island somewhere in the American northeast (think, Cape Cod, Martha’s Vineyard, you know, old money), where she swans among perfect hydrangea bushes, always made-up and dressed-up for some fundraiser for birds.

It’s like rich-white-lady Stepford, where the colour palette is all pastels and bubblegum and no carbs. People are obsessed with Michaela, and none more so than Simone.

When Devon rocks up with her sweaty face and, horrors, black ensemble, and demands to see Simone, she disrupts the superficial peace. Simone isn’t keen on her past and her family puncturing this “perfect” life she has, but Devon’s presence is going to trudge a lot of stuff up, not just for her but for everyone.

Simone might think Michaela’s world is paradise, but audiences know that anywhere that’s too sheeny has secrets or discontents. As much as Simone is drawn to Michaela’s energy, at no point does the show make a persuasive argument as to why.

Moore is a fantastic actor but the character is under-developed and Sirens tells us more than it shows us. Michaela is supposed to have this hypnotic effect on people but she doesn’t seem at all interesting (She likes birds! She thinks her husband is cheating! She gave up a legal career!), and especially as Devon as well as the rest of staff seem to smell her BS.

Simone, similarly, is meant to be a little mini-Michaela in-waiting but she too feels two-dimensional. When the full thrust of revelations come out later in the series, there’s still a disconnect between what the series is telling us versus what it’s showing us.

It’s as if most of these characters are walking around or through the show without actually being in the show. There are all these themes with a capital T - childhood trauma, betrayal, class - but very little penetrates.

Fahy is one of the most exciting discoveries of the past few years as she’s always a compelling screen presence, so she is the saving grace here. She’s been around since a guest spot on Gossip Girl in 2009 but her mainstream breakout only really came with The White Lotus season two. Thank Mike White for that.

Sirens’ five episodes does breeze through with relative ease but at the end of it, you’re left with a “what actually happened here” emptiness. Despite the starpower, Sirens has no pull.

It doesn’t even have The Perfect Couple’s viral opening credits dance.

Sirens is streaming on Netflix