THE NEW YORK TIMES: What is Limerence and do you have an obsessive fixation or just a harmless romantic crush?

For eight years, Jordan felt as if she had fallen under a powerful spell. She had what others would have considered a casual relationship with a co-worker, but despite not knowing him well, she was powerfully drawn to him and certain he was her soulmate.

“I thought about him every day, all the time,” said Jordan, 35. She thought of him with every song lyric. She invented reasons to contact him. She had elaborate fantasies in which they ended up together.

Jordan’s experience was intense, but not uncommon. Although research is sparse, Tom Bellamy, a neuroscientist at the University of Nottingham in England, estimated that as many as 50 per cent of people experience this kind of obsessive romantic infatuation at least once in their lives. It is called limerence.

What it is and isn’t

Limerence is a psychological state characterised by a deep longing for someone, obsessive and intrusive thoughts, compulsive behaviours and a strong desire for emotional reciprocation, said NSW psychologist Orly Miller.

The term was coined in the 1970s by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, but it is not recognised in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the guide used by mental health professionals.

Whereas a crush is typically fleeting, limerence can last months, years or even decades, Ms Miller said. It is also more intense. A crush or infatuation becomes limerence when it starts to impair a person’s ability to function, for instance preventing them from working, sleeping or eating, she said.

Limerence is not the same as love. Ms Miller said although both involve strong feelings, limerence is an inwardly focused psychological experience based on fantasy and ambiguity.

The other person “becomes a symbol: ‘You are the source of my happiness; you are the source of my fulfilment’,” said Albert Wakin, a retired psychology professor.

Limerence does not have to be romantic or sexual, said Lynn Marshall, a UK psychologist who studies limerence.

Lili, 46, a clinical social worker in Massachusetts, said she had recently developed strong feelings for a friend. When that friend wouldn’t text or email her back, she fell into despair.

“It was intensely painful,” she said. “I’d wake up in the morning, start thinking about it, go to bed at night, keep thinking about it.”

Limerence involves a compulsion to search for signs indicating that the other person is interested.

Something casual — a glance, a text, a social media interaction — might be used to “create these really elaborate stories and narratives around whether it means rejection or reciprocation”, Ms Miller said.

Hooked on maybe

In limerence, a person holds hope that the other person has feelings, but they also have doubts.

“Uncertainty is the fuel that keeps the whole thing going,” said Abby Medcalf, a Californian psychologist.

According to Mr Bellamy, limerence resembles addiction. When someone senses reciprocation, the brain registers it as a reward. If those rewards come unpredictably, it can intensify the urge to keep seeking them.

Scientists have wondered whether some people are more likely to experience limerence than others.

Ms Marshall’s work suggests that adults with an anxious attachment — who have a fear of abandonment and often had emotionally unreliable caregivers in childhood — are at higher-than-average risk.

People with limerence are also often anxious and can display obsessive and compulsive behaviours, but they don’t necessarily have generalised anxiety disorder or obsessive-compulsive disorder, Ms Medcalf said.

Breaking the spell

Even though limerence typically makes people miserable, it can’t just be wished away, Ms Miller said.

Still, Mr Bellamy noted, it may help to notice and label compulsions when they arise, to think, “I want to text this person, and that’s a limerent urge.”

He also suggested focusing on the other person’s flaws or imagining what would happen if other people discovered the infatuation.

The most effective approach, he said, would be to cut off contact with the other person. Then the intermittent rewards would stop. But this is not always possible, and it is certainly not easy, he said.

When Jordan’s co-worker eventually cut ties with her, she could not sleep and could barely eat. “It really, really, really shook me,” she said.

Ms Miller said working with a therapist who understands limerence can be useful. Cognitive behavioural strategies may help.

Often, she said, people feel limerence towards others who have qualities they yearn for or have lost access to in themselves. In therapy, they can learn to identify and fulfil these desires, turning limerence into a source of healing.

It can be “a vehicle for transformation and personal development,” Ms Miller said.

Jordan and Lili asked that their last names not be used to protect their privacy

© 2026 The New York Times Company