Dr Stephen Snyder: The REAL reason your man’s gone off sex & what to do

As one of New York’s top sex therapists, I’ve treated more than 3000 couples and individuals over the past 30 years. And over those decades I’ve noticed a seismic shift in habits.

The most pressing sexual issue of the 20th century was women lacking desire and turning down sex. The old ‘Not tonight, dear, I have a headache’ idea. But now, things have changed completely.

The most common dilemma for couples in long-term relationships today is men going missing in the bedroom. Perhaps HRT has boosted her libido just as he begins to feel the decline in testosterone that comes with age.

Maybe he’s got performance anxiety? Whatever the reason, at my practice, I take phone calls from women all day long, saying: ‘He never touches me any more. We’re like roommates!’

How, they ask, can I persuade my partner to get it on again? What can I do? But that’s the wrong approach. Women don’t need another item on the chore list.

The fact is, by the time we hit midlife, women are way ahead of men on all sorts of metrics that might affect sex in a relationship, and men need time to catch up.

We already know that women today tend to over-function in relationships. They’re the ones who invest time and headspace in the emotional mechanics of a marriage and how to improve it.

What’s more, by the time many women hit 50, they’ve done plenty of psychological work on themselves and are fully in touch with their sexual wants and needs.

And what they want most — and deserve — is a man to match this level of maturity. What she wants is a man to show her passion and desire.

Men, however, tend to underfunction in relationships. Why should we think about our relationship when you’re already doing all the thinking for us?

So, what’s a woman to do if she’s not supposed to do more than she’s already doing?

It’s not about getting men to act differently. It’s about changing the dance. My book, Love Worth Making: How To Have Ridiculously Great Sex In A Long-Lasting Relationship, is all about how to find inspiration again in bed – without having to do a lot of work to get there.

Here are seven tips from the book — some physical, some mental — to get him back in the bedroom and both of you happy, without adding anything to your ‘To Do’ list!

1. EMOTIONALLY HE CHECKS OUT... MAYBE BECAUSE YOU REMIND HIM OF HIS MUM

There’s a crucial developmental step most boys seem to take on their path to becoming men.

At the age of three or so, they start to push their mothers away. For instance, they don’t want their mums to kiss them when their friends are watching. Psychologically, they disidentify with their mothers.

During this process, they also disidentify with a whole world of sensations, emotions and connection. Therefore, the first step on the path to becoming a man is to disconnect emotionally and, in some ways, physically.

That puts most men at a real disadvantage. Many mothers and daughters share a deep bond, full of all sorts of intense emotions.

Most men have nothing like that, and the first time we experience that level of emotional intensity is in adolescence or early adulthood when we meet our first intimate partner.

This may go well at the beginning of a relationship when almost everything we do seems to make our partners happy.

After all, men are simple creatures, and we love it when a woman smiles at us. A wife or partner in a state of happiness is a universal green light for a man to proceed sexually.

The problems come for men the first time they see their partner unhappy. A man dreads seeing a woman looking disappointed with him. Unconsciously, it reminds him of when his mother was unhappy with him and how helpless that made him feel. In the presence of a disappointed female partner, men sense danger.

They tend to check out emotionally or silently withdraw, just like when they were three years old.

2. STOP THE NO-SEX CYCLE IN ITS TRACKS

Unfortunately, when a man emotionally checks out, it activates a woman’s deepest worry: the fear of being emotionally abandoned.

That’s how the no-sex cycle starts. You get upset; he withdraws; you get even more upset, and on and on we go. Eventually, this ends with your partner spending every evening checked out in front of the TV while the prospect of sex recedes ever further. Which, of course, will make you even more disappointed.

There is, however, a way to avoid this cycle. Simply refuse to become the reincarnation of his early childhood mother on her very worst days. Keep it adult-to-adult.

Early on in a relationship, I advise women to sit their male partner down and say: ‘Look, there are going to be times when you’ll see me upset and disappointed. When that happens, you don’t have to panic. Trust me, it’s going to be OK. We women deal with this kind of stuff all the time. Just don’t run away emotionally because that will make me really cross.’

Feel free to repeat this formula as often as necessary until he really gets it. And stay practical. Men are practical creatures. Don’t waste emotional energy on this. Save your emotions for the good stuff.

3. REMEMBER, YOU HAVE GREATER CAPACITY FOR PLEASURE THAN HE DOES

In couples therapy, I often feel I’m negotiating between representatives of two different species. Women’s minds tend to be more active, more perceptive, more aware. They need sensual pleasure, variety and beauty.

Men’s attention tends to be more limited and more selective. Few women understand their male partner’s lack of interest in sensual pleasure, variety and beauty. Our primary function has always been to defend the tribe against attack. If you’re designing someone for that role, you don’t want him to be so thoughtful and perceptive that he’d hesitate to throw himself in harm’s way.

Unfortunately, the cultural script says the man is supposed to be the active partner – the one who brings excitement and variety to sex. Sure, many men manage to do this at first, during the heady days of a new relationship, but it’s a very rare man who can keep finding ways to make sex newly pleasurable forever.

The simple fact is that, as a woman, you probably have more capacity for pleasure than he does. Eventually, in a long-term relationship, a woman’s natural desire for variety and adventure may outstrip his ability to provide it. So, what’s a woman to do?

4. LET HIM ENJOY YOU LIKE A CROISSANT

A wise female sex therapist once asked me, only half-jokingly: ‘Why do women get bored of their husbands but not their dogs?’ And it’s a good question. The answer clearly has something to do with differing expectations.

One of the key ingredients in good love-making is to know your partner enjoys you. I tell women, when was the last time you really enjoyed him? Many women fall headlong into the trap of feeling like their husband’s disgruntled mother, and they forget to enjoy their husbands.

Men are constantly told we should concentrate on giving women pleasure. But, ironically, that often results in boring, passionless sex. No hero in a romantic novel ever rips off the heroine’s clothes and then says: ‘Now tell me how you like to be touched.’ Instead, he just consumes her like a croissant.

Meanwhile, women are always told that a good sexual relationship takes work.

As a man, I have no idea what that means. Passion is selfish. Ideally, he should feel ‘selfishly connected’ to you – which frees you to enjoy feeling selfishly connected to him.

5. EXCITEMENT IS ITS OWN REWARD

It’s OK to get ‘excited’ together, even when you’re not going to have sex. You’d be surprised how many men don’t know this.

Some men avoid doing anything that might excite their partners unless sex is definitely on the menu. It’s as if arousal is a painful emotion to be avoided at all costs.

Women can make this mistake, too. Many will avoid doing anything that might give their husbands an erection, thinking that if he gets hard, he must have an orgasm, and they will be responsible for giving it to him.

That’s silly. We men like being hard — it’s an automatic response, like a dog wagging its tail. It just means we’re happy to see you. It’s fine not to follow through — erections come and go.

The biggest lesson I can teach a woman? An erection does not have to end with an orgasm!

The happiest couples make a point to enjoy small moments of erotic excitement, even when they’re not going to have sex.

In sex therapy, we call this ‘simmering’ – which means savouring a moment of feeling selfishly connected, purely for its own sake.

Simmering is what young couples or people in new relationships do all the time.

They hold each other, kiss, stroke each other’s hair and enjoy each other’s scent.

You remember the feeling, right? There is no reason long-term committed couples can’t enjoy the same kind of thing.

Try it before leaving for work in the morning or at the end of the day before falling asleep together. Stop keeping your distance because you think it’ll mean he’ll want full sex. It won’t! Simmering helps ensure your relationship’s erotic climate stays warm. The payoff in good sex later down the line can be substantial.

6. ORGASM IS PUDDING — AND YOU DON’T ALWAYS HAVE TO HAVE IT

Sex is supposed to make you feel good about yourself. Otherwise, why do it?

As a sex therapist, I’m continually astonished by the number of people who tell me they go through the motions of sex even though it’s not making them feel good about themselves at all.

Either they’re just trying to satisfy their partners, or they’re doing it because not having sex makes them feel like a hopeless failure as a person. They forget to ask: ‘Hey, what’s in this for me?’

The key to sex that makes you feel good about yourself is to make sure you’re seriously turned on first. Not just showing the physical signs of arousal, but in that state where it feels like your IQ is plummeting.

No one has really good sex while still in possession of all their faculties.

Men and women alike tend to just focus on getting to orgasm. For women, that might be because you know in advance the sex isn’t going to be very good, so you focus on at least getting something out of it.

For him, most often it’s that in his limited male way he’s forgotten there ever was any other reason to have sex.

I tell my couples that experiencing an orgasm should be like a delicious dessert. It’s a fine way to end the meal, but who sits down to a three-course dinner only thinking about pudding?

7. NEVER SCHEDULE SEX

Yes, really. Forget what you’ve read about putting sex in the diary.

I understand the logic — we’re all busy people — but the trouble with scheduling sex is that when the appointed hour arrives, it’s entirely possible neither of you will be much in the mood.

Desire doesn’t work like that. It’s not like dinner where, if you haven’t eaten by 7pm, you’ll definitely be starving.

Fortunately, there’s a good alternative. Sure, agree to meet this Thursday at 7pm in the bedroom — pop it on the calendar now — but not for sex. Instead, plan to meet in bed to do absolutely nothing at all.

Well, almost nothing. I want you both to undress, taking off as many clothes as you like, then get under the covers and breathe deeply.

Now, let yourself notice things. The temperature in the room. The colour of the sky outside.

Be aware of your body: your heartbeat, your breathing. Pay attention without judgment. All this should feel very welcome after a busy day full of thinking and doing.

This ‘being in the moment’ is the ideal preparation for the kind of selfishly connected lovemaking we’re talking about.

But I know exactly what you’re going to say next . . . I’ll do it, but my other half won’t. And you’re right; most men will find this very foreign territory.

So, here’s what I do with men in my office: I teach them something we psychotherapists call ‘mindful eating’. Sitting down with a bowl of their favourite fruit, I tell them to take only one piece, say one strawberry.

Then I tell them to spend some time with their strawberry, doing nothing but examining it carefully before popping it in their mouths and, slowly, meticulously, tasting it. Most men are surprised by the experience. Ordinarily, we men don’t allow ourselves these kinds of pleasures at all.

You can probably guess where I’m going with this. Once my client has learned to spend quality time with a piece of fruit, I tell him to go to bed with no agenda at all except to treat his wife like a big, juicy strawberry. Most husbands rather like that once they understand the concept!