Five phases of a break-up: From the first fight to a suspiciously upbeat Instagram post about self-love

In rom-coms, break-ups seem spontaneous. In reality? Someone’s often been mentally checking out for months or years before making the move.

“Relationship satisfaction in committed relationships declines anywhere between six months and 1.5 years before a break-up,” Rebecca Pinkus, senior lecturer at the University of Sydney, said.

A relationship breakdown is described as a slow slide through denial, dissatisfaction and doubt before reality sets in, which is basically the emotional version of peeling off a Band-Aid millimetre by millimetre.

There are five stages in Duck’s Phase Model of Relationship Breakdown: intra-psychic, dyadic, social, grave-dressing and resurrection.

Phase one: The small things that suddenly feel enormous

In the intra-psychic phase, one or both partners begin to experience dissatisfaction with the relationship but have not yet expressed this to each other. Instead, the discontent is internalised, characterised by private reflection, inner monologues, and emotional distancing.

The dissatisfied partner begins to focus on perceived faults in the other person, such as inequity in effort, irritating habits, or emotional incompatibility.

Phase two: ‘We need to talk’ moments

This is followed by the dyadic phase, where private dissatisfaction becomes interpersonal.

Having crossed the intra-psychic threshold of “I can’t stand this anymore,” one or both partners begin to express their unhappiness openly, prompting direct discussion between the couple. Think late-night arguments, and the slow unravelling of calm.

Phase three: Everyone knows

In the social phase, the relationship breakdown becomes a social event, disclosed to friends, family and others, who offer support or take sides. Everyone knows. Friends weigh in, group chats explode, and family dinners turn into case studies.

Phase four: “We grew apart (allegedly)”

The grave-dressing phase involves constructing personal narratives to make sense of the breakup, protecting self-esteem through selective memory and re-framing. Each person crafts their version of the story, “we grew apart” or “they just weren’t ready for someone like me.”

Phase five: Suspiciously upbeat Instagram post about self-love

Finally, in the resurrection stage, usually with a new haircut and gym membership, individuals begin to move forward.

They regain confidence, rediscover who they are outside the relationship, and prepare to start new, ideally having learned what went wrong and what they need next.