Six questions every mid-life couple must ask if they want to stay together

Welcome to January, when law firms see a spike in enquiries from fed-up folks driven to the brink by festive disharmony.

And, according to official figures, 41 per cent of couples divorce before their 25th wedding anniversary.

If you’re keen to “future proof” your relationship, these are the six questions couples therapist Natasha Silverman says you must discuss with your partner.

Are we happy with our sex life?

Work stress, family strife, hormonal changes and boredom can create a chasm between the sex you dream of and the sex you’re having — or not having.

Experts say that’s OK if you’re both on the same page, but warn that the ‘desire discrepancy’ (where one of you wants more or different sex) can rip a relationship apart if it isn’t addressed.

Ms Silverman is a relationship counsellor and psychosexual therapist with a background in law, so she is uniquely qualified to manage the issues that lead to divorce.

Sex is a common topic with her clients.

“Men say their wives have zero sex drive, while women tell me the pressure to meet their partners’ sexual needs — the strops, the badgering — chips away at sexual desire,” she said.

“The problem is too many men assume women are capable of spontaneous desire.

“For most men arousal is like a light switch, easily flicked on. But women need a trigger or sexual cue. Men need to figure out how to activate this.”

Ms Silverman advises a sex ban for two weeks and experimenting with non-sexual intimacy three times a week (for example, via a foot rub).

“This gives space to accept or even initiate touch or affection safe in the knowledge it won’t be perceived as an initiation.

“Taking sex off the agenda can reinvigorate a stale sex life.”

What do we like about each other?

Silverman says about 10 per cent of her clients seek counselling because they’re not sure they even like their partner any more.

“Women often worry they prefer their friends to their husband,” she said.

“But we can become too focused on the negatives in our long-term relationship rather than looking for positives.”

Sit down with your partner, Silverman advised, then talk about what you originally liked about each other.

Talk about ways in which you can reconnect with these forgotten aspects of yourselves.

“It’s good to recall the things that you do better as a couple,” she said.

“Of course, you may struggle to find any common ground and realise you were only existing together over Christmas — but this is a good exercise in which to find out.”

How do we feel about the future?

One of the biggest mistakes long-term couples make is to assume they’re in agreement about the future.

Staying together will feel like a life sentence if one is itching to travel while the other is binge-watching Wheeler Dealers.

“No matter how long you’ve been together, it is important to regularly ask each other what an ideal future looks like,” she said.

“Then discuss how willing — or not — you both are to share each other’s dreams.”

However, discovering your visions of the future are very different is not instant grounds for divorce.

“The key is to focus on how these dreams make you feel, then discuss ways you can enjoy these emotions together,” Ms Silverman said.

“If travel signifies excitement and discovery, can you satisfy these cravings closer to home?

“You need to find the glue that will keep you having fun together for many years to come.”

What one small change would we make?

Relationships thrive on tolerance and understanding but, over the years, little habits which were once easily shrugged off can start to grate.

“I think of this as the miracle question. It cuts through all the emotions that might be causing friction,” Ms Silverman said.

“It forces couples to consider how realistic one change might be and, if it isn’t possible, how close can you get?”

Be reasonable and think positively with your request, such as by saying: “I’d love it if you would turn off your phone notifications when we’re eating.”

This is much better than saying: “Can you ditch your cycling friends so we can go shopping together on Saturdays?”

What’s the hardest thing for us to talk about?

Although initially tricky, chats about difficult issues — from ageing parents to money — are a very effective way of potentially lifting the lid on long-term resentments.

“Tackling a thorny issue can be powerful,” Ms Silverman said.

“It forces important discussions which may help clear the air, offer mutual reassurance and set you on a new path of better communication.”

Do we need a relationship tune up?

“I have a vested interest, but I wish more would do couples therapy,” Ms Silverman said.

“Midlifers should be like Gen Z about counselling, as it can improve communication and establish healthy relationship habits.”

Ms Silverman advised broaching the topic gently.

“Use words such as ‘we’ and ‘us’ and ‘I feel’,” she said.

“Try ‘I’ve been thinking, something needs to change and I really want to work on this with you’.

“It’s important to present this as a joint effort, not an attack. Never think of bringing your partner along to be fixed.”

If it’s your partner who suggests getting support, do not refuse as this could lead to them giving up any final hope.

“This rejection could trigger them checking out of the relationship irreversibly.”