DANE ELDRIDGE: Why England’s Barmy Army taunts won’t rattle Steve Smith this Ashes series

Steve Smith has made another low-key return to the Australian captaincy, and it sends a clear message to England and their bungling bevy of Barmy Army boo boys: You can ditch your cheeky chants and leave the trombone behind at customs because Australia doesn’t give a hoot about Sandpapergate anymore.

Any aims to unsettle our best batsman by picking at this scab are futile, so you can shelve your songs about “Crying on the Telly” and any attempts to rhyme something lewd with ‘Bancroft’s jocks.’

If anything, this nation buried the Newlands Nightmare so long ago that we’re now more preoccupied with laughing our backsides off at Johnny Bairstow.

With the Ashes just over a week away, England’s notorious supporter group has already declared its intention to keep dishing up to Australia their colourful brand of terrace noise.

Described by them as “banter” and by the rest of us as “sunstroke”, the Barmy Army has already singled out Smith for special treatment over the ball-tampering saga, with the group’s leader of the Perth chapter, James Whitehouse, declaring to The West Australian that the stand-in skipper has “got it coming again.”

It will come as no shock that the Poms intend to make Sandpaper a talking point throughout this series — provided they take a breath long enough from whinging about Alex Carey.

And while nothing short of endemic laryngitis will stop this, the facts are they’ll be pointlessly screaming into a void.

This is not just because Smith is a resilient bugger, nor because he isn’t fluent in slurring Lancastrian.

It’s because Smith and Australia have made peace long ago with the actions of that fateful Test match in Cape Town, and any mention of the topic nowadays is like water off waxed cardboard.

Once an uncomfortable discussion on the importance of morals and reverse swing, Smith’s captaincy ban following the ball-tampering scandal meant any return to a leadership role for the veteran demanded nothing short of a referendum.

However, the 36-year-old’s latest return to the Australian captaincy has again barely caused a ripple.

In fact, once Pat Cummins was ruled out for the opening Test with back soreness, Smith’s elevation was as routinely unchallenged as Vladimir Putin returning to office with another 107 per cent of the public vote.

And with the veteran’s call-up becoming increasingly more “meh” with each of the six times he’s deputised for Cummins, it proves the wounds from Sandpapergate are entirely healed for both man and country.

It’s a far cry from the fallout that raged seven years ago when we legitimately pondered if Smith would ever set foot in the country again, let alone set a field for it.

Even when he returned after his year-long ban, the rage was still so raw that the 119-Test stalwart required Senate approval just to sit up the front of the team bus.

But as he served his time with dignified runs and some of the weirdest lightsaber leaves you’ve ever seen, our love for him not only returned but strengthened.

Of course, some of this collective healing has come at the cost of Cameron Bancroft as the collateral junior burger and the pain of listening to David Warner dodge questions.

But not only was it Smith’s quiet strength that helped put this godawful event behind us and allow us to pick a captain again without the need for character references, it also means any further mention of the incident will be looked upon with suspicion as someone trying to rake up old graves or sell a tour diary.

And the best part, besides getting our best batter and leader back?

It leaves England and their Mean Girls with next-to-no arsenal.

With the Poms historically travelling to Australia for the sole reason of getting slowly roasted like brisket, they have admittedly eclipsed us in one field:

Bitchiness.

And yes, their sharp banter and biting ballads have worked to varying success with Carey last series, the well-documented struggles of Mitchell Johnson and when transforming the SCG into the Hollies Stand for England’s victory lap in 2010–11.

But with Sandpapergate moot, Bancroft never to wear the baggy green because he scores too many Sheffield Shield runs, and Warner retired, England’s sledge brigade will need to comb hard this series for a cheese pimple on the Australian armour to pick at. Of course, the Carey-Bairstow incident looms large.

But if they’re banning Lord’s members for speaking out against Johnny’s poor crease hygiene, the Army hasn’t got a legal leg to stand on — or barely even a moral one.

That leaves them with no option but to begin each day with the stirring refrains of Jerusalem before finishing off the rest of the warm six-pack before lunch to spend the afternoon barfing recycled ditties about us being convicts as their woeful bats fight to avoid another follow-on.