Oscars 2026: All Conan O’Brien’s best jokes from opening monologue plus full transcript

Conan O’Brien was at his sharp-witted best for a hilarious and memorable opening to the 98th Academy Awards, skewering some of the biggest names in Hollywood and even including a pointed jab about the Epstein scandal.

Over nearly 11 minutes, the jokes flew thick and fast, drawing lots of laughs from the star-filled audience, which is no mean feat.

Epstein gets biggest laugh

Drawing the biggest reaction of the entire monologue was O’Brien’s stinging reference to the US’ response to the Epstein scandal, and the fact that there had been few arrests in the wake of the release of the files gathered during the course of the investigation into the paedophile financier.

“For the first time since 2012. . .there are no British actors nominated for Best Actor or Best Actress. Yeah, a British spokesperson said, ‘Yeah, well, at least we arrest our paedophiles’.”

The jab was greeted by a roar of laughter.

Conan’s best dad joke

Even the best comedians can’t resist a dad joke and this was a two-for-one cracker.

Speaking about how much he loved the F1 movie starring Brad Pitt, the Oscars host said: “F1 is up for the Best Picture. It’s the story of a race car driver who finally wins after deciding to go faster. Yeah, yeah. F1 received four nominations.

“F1 did so well, they’re making a sequel, Cap’s Lock.”

“Some of these (jokes) I do for myself.”

Chalamet the butt of the joke

Acknowledging this year’s amped up security at the Oscars in the wake of a reported threat from bad actor Iran about a drone strike on California, O’Brien instead blamed a different actor, Timothée Chalamet.

Referencing the Best Actor nominee’s recent controversial comments about ballet and opera, O’Brien joked that organisers had been warned about potential outrage from arts communities.

“I’m told there’s concern about attacks from both the opera and ballet communities,” he said. “They’re just mad you left out jazz.”

Streamers, including Netflix boss roasted

O’Brien also got in a jab about the impact streaming giant Netflix has had on the movie business and the struggle to attract crowds to movie theatres.

Noting its boss Ted Sarandos was in the audience, he said “Netflix, this is exciting. A lot of cool people are here. Some of them behind the scenes”.

“Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos is here. And this is exciting. It’s his first time in a theatre.

“This is what they’re talking about. Why are they all together enjoying themselves? They should be home alone. Where I can monetise it.”

READ THE FULL MONOLOGUE BELOW

He also pointed out that Amazon Studios didn’t receive any nominations this year.

“Yeah, also shut out Walmart, Alibaba and Chewy. Why isn’t the website I ordered toilet paper from winning more Oscars?”

X-rated joke about One Battle After Another

O’Brien couldn’t resist poking fun at the risqué opening scenes of Best Picture favourite One Battle After Another, featuring Best Supporting Actor winner Sean Penn.

“One Battle After Another, I love that film. What a great film. Amazing film,” he said.

“Lots of memorable scenes from One Battle After Another. Best supporting actor nominee Sean Penn, of course, got an erection at gunpoint. Yeah, and then Paul Thomas Anderson said, ‘Hey, let’s put that in the film, huh?’”

Conan hams it up

A good joke that didn’t quite seem to land in the room but might later, O’Brien promised, was about two of the Best Picture nominees.

“I love Hamnet, I love Bugonia,” he said.

“Yeah, between Hamnet and Bugonia it’s been a big year for movies that sound like off-brand lunch meat. ‘Had a little Bugonia around 10, it’s not sitting too well’.

“On the ride home, you’ll appreciate (that joke).”

Conan O’Brien’s full monologue from 2026 Oscars

Hey, I am Conan O’Brien and I’m honoured to be the last human host of the Academy Awards. Yes. Yeah. Next year it’s going to be a Waymo in a tux. So check that out. So it’s great to be back hosting the Oscars. Last year, when I hosted, Los Angeles was on fire.

But this year everything’s going great.

Oh, you applaud that? That’s weird. That’s weird.

Security is extremely tight tonight. I’m just going to mention that. Yeah. I’m told they’re concerned about attacks from both the opera and ballet communities.

They’re just mad you left out jazz.

I should warn you, tonight could get political, and if that makes you uncomfortable, there’s an alternate Oscars being hosted by Kid Rock. Yeah. It’s at Dave and Buster’s down the street. Lot of tickets for that.

Netflix, this is exciting. A lot of cool people are here. Some of them behind the scenes.

Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos is here. And this is exciting. It’s his first time in a theatre.

This is what they’re talking about. Why are they all together enjoying themselves? They should be home alone. Where I can monetise it.

So many, so many great films this year. Just what an incredible year for film, wasn’t it? Absolutely stunning.

I said that last year, but I was lying, haha. This year is stunning. I love Hamnet, I love Bugonia. Yeah, between Hamnet and Bugonia it’s been a big year for movies that sound like off-brand lunch meat. ‘Had a little Bugonia around 10, it’s not sitting too well’. On the ride home, you’ll appreciate it.

At the beginning of Hamnet, a message comes on the screen explaining that the names Hamlet and Hamlet were used interchangeably. Yeah, that’s when I knew I’d better buckle up. A rollercoaster.

In Hamnet, William Shakespeare’s wife, Agnes, gives birth by herself in the woods. Or as we call that here in America, affordable healthcare.

Too real for you, huh? All right.

F1, I loved F1. A popcorn movie, it was great. F1 was terrific. Yeah. F1 is up for the best picture. It’s the story of a race car driver who finally wins after deciding to go faster. Yeah, yeah. F1 received four nominations. F1 did so well, they’re making a sequel, Cap’s Lock.

Some of these I do for myself. And ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear it for Sinners. Let’s hear it for Sinners. Yeah.

Sinners director, Ryan Coogler, said he declined to become a voting member of the Academy because he doesn’t like judging his fellow artists’ work. Yeah. Yeah, but the rest of you pricks love it.

One Battle After Another, I love that film. What a great film. Amazing film.

Lots of memorable scenes from One Battle After Another. Best supporting actor nominee Sean Penn, of course got an erection at gunpoint. Yeah, and then Paul Thomas Anderson said, “Hey, let’s put that in the film, huh?”

I was in a movie this year. Yeah, it was a movie with the lovely Rose Byrne.

My co-star Rose Byrne is nominated for the best actress and If I Had Legs, I’d Kick You. Yeah, it’s hard to act in a scene with someone you’ve always had a massive crush on.

But Rose, you did a fantastic job. Admirable restraint.

This year we’ve added a new category to the Oscars, the best casting.

Which means tonight, one casting director will win an Oscar. The rest of you, we’ve decided to go in another direction. They’re dream killers, they are.

A lot of lesser-known categories tonight, of course, we’ll be honoring the best documentary short films or yeah, best documentary short films.

Or as I like to call them. What the hell’s that all about?

Best documentary short films, or as I like to call them l’il sads. “Did you watch it?” “I did.” “Did it make you sad?” “Little bit.’

Amazon Studios didn’t receive any nominations this year. Yeah, also shut out Walmart, Alibaba and Chewy. Why isn’t the website I ordered toilet paper from winning more Oscars?

For the first time since 2012, first time since 2012 that there are no British actors nominated for best actor or best actress. Yeah, a British spokesperson said, “Yeah, well, at least we arrest our paedophiles.”

By the way, I have to say again, Michael B. Jordan, you were incredible, incredible playing identical twin brothers Smoke and Stack and sinners. Just amazing.

I cannot get enough of this man. So, as a special treat every seat filler at tonight’s Oscars will be Michael B. Jordans. Check it out.

By the way, how am I looking tonight, Michael B. Jordan’s?

Leonardo DiCaprio is here. Sure, good to see. Proud of you. He’s the star of so many movies and the king of memes. He’s the king of memes this guy. Let’s make a new meme with Leo right now. That feeling when you didn’t agree to this.

They’ll pull that up in editing. Live. Okay. We’ll talk later.

Tonight’s Oscars are being watched by more than a billion people around the world. Yeah, let’s let’s say hi to some of them. If you’re watching from Spain, Hola, soy O’Brien. Es un placer darle la bienvenida a todos los artistas.

If you’re seeing us in Argentina, Hola, soy Brien. Es un placer darle la bienvenida a todos los artistas. And to our friends in Los Angeles, Hola, soy O’Brien. Es un placer darle la bienvenida...

Yes, tonight is an international event.

If I can be serious for just a moment, everyone watching right now around the world is all too aware that these are very chaotic frightening times, okay.

It’s at moments like these that I believe that the Oscars are particularly resonant. Check it out, 31 countries across six continents are represented this evening.

And every film every film Yeah, every film we salute is the product of thousands of people speaking different languages working to make something of beauty.

We pay tribute tonight, not just a film, but to the ideals global artistry, collaboration, patience, resilience, and that rarest of qualities today, optimism.

So let us, please celebrate. Let us celebrate.

Let us celebrate, not because we think all is well but because we work and hope for better in the days ahead.