Why people go back to their ex even though it failed

Humans are wired for familiarity. It’s easier to return to a place you know well each afternoon, where your things are exactly where you left them and the sense of safety is predictable.

Relationships can work the same way. Long-term commitment is widely framed by society as the “right path” and even when a relationship ends, the pull of what’s known can feel stronger than the uncertainty of starting again. Change is confronting, especially when things weren’t all bad.

You could move forward, date again, or embrace single life. Or you could do what many people do: circle back to an ex-partner and wonder whether this time will be different. Sometimes it is. A break can create perspective, space and clarity that wasn’t there before.

History is full of couples who couldn’t quite quit each other. Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton famously married, divorced, and then remarried. Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber spent years in an on-again, off-again cycle, until he quickly moved on with Hailey (who he’d also previously dated and broken up with). Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck found their way back to each other nearly two decades later (but not every second chance lasts). And while they may seem rock solid now, even Prince William and Kate Middleton briefly split before marrying.

But often, it’s more complicated. And just because Rachel got off that plane to end up with Ross in Friends, it shouldn’t be an inspiration to go back to a former partner.

Most people know someone who has gone back to an ex they once described as “toxic”, watching them re-enter a situation that once hurt them. From the outside, it can be hard to understand.

It raises an obvious question: why do so many people return to their exes, even after it ended badly?

Reasons people go back to their ex

One of the most immediate drivers behind returning to an ex is how emotionally uncomfortable a breakup can be.

Dr Emily Harris, a research fellow at the University of Melbourne’s School of Psychological Sciences, says people often underestimate just how destabilising that loss can feel.

“So when they break up, they can feel really unmoored, and it’s very psychologically uncomfortable,” she says. “And so they might think that, okay, anything is better than this.”

Part of that comes down to identity.

“Typically when we’re in a relationship, we kind of have this overlap in our identity with the partner,” she explains. “So when they break up, they can experience a sense of identity loss.”

The alternatives seem worse

People don’t just miss their ex, they compare them to everything and everyone else.

“After a breakup, someone might be feeling pretty miserable, lonely,” Dr Harris says. “And so this is kind of essentially weighing up the quality of alternatives.”

“If they try to date someone else or go back onto the dating market, they can feel like no one really compares to their ex-partner,” she says. “These are all strangers that they’ve never met before, that they might not be attracted to, and they haven’t developed any trust or intimacy with.”

Which leads to a predictable conclusion.

“They’re never going to really compare,” she says. “And so someone might do this kind of unconscious calculation of like, this is so much worse than my previous relationship, and that boosts this motivation to get back together with an ex.”

Being single is stigmatised

The fear of being alone isn’t in your head, it’s reinforced by everything around us, including TV shows and movies.

“There is a strong cultural valuation of being in a relationship, and there is a social stigma attached to being single,” Dr Harris says. “Especially for older people and especially for older women.”

Modern dating hasn’t helped.

“And of course, there’s the collective hatred of dating apps,” she adds. “So that adds to this kind of sense of dread at being single.”

She says, together, those pressures can make going back feel like the more acceptable and less daunting option.

Attachment styles make it harder to let go

Not everyone experiences breakups the same way, and attachment style plays a role in who struggles most.

“The research does seem to suggest that the anxiously attached do find it harder than an avoidantly attached person,” Dr Harris says.

Interestingly, she says some people may benefit from moving on quickly.

“There is some interesting research on whether or not it’s good to have a rebound,” she says. “And this work actually suggests that for people who are anxiously attached… they actually seem to fare a bit better if they do find a rebound.”

That’s because it can interrupt the emotional spiral.

“They seem to be way less hung up on their ex if they move on a little bit sooner,” she explains.

But there’s a catch.

“If you’re anxiously attached, you don’t want to then try and get into a relationship with someone who’s emotionally unavailable after a breakup as that’s just going to cause more heartache.”

The pull of validation and the chase

In some cases, going back isn’t really about love, it’s about wanting to feel chosen.

Dr Harris describes a common on-again, off-again dynamic where one person reappears only when the other starts moving on.

“It might be someone who is, in a way, after a challenge and after a chase,” she says. “Because if they are eventually chosen, they’ll feel so exceptionally special.”

That desire can be powerful, but misleading.

“They can be really convinced that they can win that person over, and they want that validation,” she says.

Ultimately, though, it’s unstable.

“That is set up for failure,” she adds. “Having another person’s love isn’t necessarily a test of someone’s worth.”

Fear of being single leads to settling

For some people, the motivation is even more straightforward: they don’t want to be alone at all.

“There is a relatively consistent association between a kind of a trait disposition of someone who can’t stand the idea of being alone,” Dr Harris says.

That fear can shape decisions in ways people don’t always recognise.

“Those people don’t want to go through a period of being single,” she explains. “And so they tend to settle for people who they might find less attractive or less responsive as partners.”

It can also drive people back into relationships they’ve already left.

“It’s a matter of asking whether the desire to get back with a partner is short-sighted,” she says, “and whether, if they took a longer view, they might be more open to a period of being single and finding someone that’s right for them.”

When getting back together can work

There’s no clear answer on whether rekindling a relationship is a good idea, and research is limited.

“There’s actually not a lot of research on it — it’s quite a difficult thing to study,” Dr Harris says.

But she does point to one factor that matters: time.

“I would say that time apart is probably a good thing,” she says.

That space can help separate real desire from emotional impulse.

“People will experience a strong urge to reach out to their ex,” she explains. “And there are lots of ways in which a mind can tell you that it’s the only answer or it’s needed, rather than wanted.”

In those moments, she urges people to pause.

“Sometimes someone’s brain is doing tricks,” she says. “So you don’t always have to trust this urge or these thoughts that you’re having.”

When it’s a bad idea

There are also clear warning signs that getting back together may not be healthy, including situations of domestic violence and coercive control.

“I would encourage people to ask themselves, you know, was my ex abusive or manipulative, and it might not be physical,” Dr Harris says. “Often psychological abuse and manipulation is much more harmful.”

She points to patterns of inconsistency as a major red flag.

“Did you experience them as being very hot and cold? Could they be quite mean and hurtful, but then very apologetic and warm?” she says.

These cycles can be hard to break.

“They can really trap people in a sense that they just need to be better, and then their ex will love them and stop being mean and hurtful, but that’s not the case.”

And motivation matters.

“Do I want to get back with a partner because I think I can change them, or because I’m desperate for their love or approval?” she says. “Neither of those are good reasons to get back together.”

Real stories

The Nightly spoke to some people that had some crazy stories about either successfully ending up with their ex, or going back only to be smacked in the face with regret.

For some going back simply reopens the same cycle, the same arguments, the same incompatibilities, the same emotional highs and lows.

Below, readers share their own experiences of getting back with an ex, including the success stories and the massive fails:

“I got back with my ex and he cheated on me with a sex worker, with money I lent him. And didn’t flush toilets (irrelevant but clearly made it hurt more),” said Delilah from Sydney, who eventually left this man and found someone more solid, who she married.

While Rosie from NSW had a long gap between relationships with her ex: “Yes went back to mine. Now we are engaged with a child haha however when we broke up it was for 4 years & when we broke up we both went on to have other long term relationships that didn’t work out. We both got to do what we wanted in our early/mid 20s because our individual goals didn’t align at the time and then grew up and found each other again”.

While one woman explained she was currently considering going back to her ex because she didn’t want to be alone for winter: “Maybe I should go back so I have someone instead of no one. I was brave enough to end it over a year ago and didn’t look back. Until now, and it’s been over a year and still no one wants me. So then I considered going back,” said Jess from Melbourne.

“I went back for the good sex. He just knew how to do it. I didn’t realise how good it was until I explored others so I went back. We were on and off for eight years,” Kelly from Queensland explained.