Wednesday waffle: Why people who send voice messages are actually bad friends

Some people might be shocked, or downright offended, to hear that their months, or even years-long habit of sending marathon voice messages to friends might actually need a timeout.

They can sometimes start with “I just thought sending a voice note was easier,” and may end with something like “sorry I’m rambling now oh my gosh it’s been 8 minutes sorry!”.

Available on Instagram, Facebook, WhatsApp, or just your phone’s messaging app, voice notes are a product of a post-COVID, digitally-charged world, where staying in touch often has to compete with busy schedules, parenting duties, and long-distance friendships.

People who are time-poor and those friends separated by distance are often the biggest fans. For others, it’s just convenient, or a habit picked up in an era when typing out a message or coordinating a call felt like running a marathon. Parents exhausted after work or wrangling kids sometimes prefer a voice note over a phone call.

Then there are the haters (and they’ll be sure to let you know), usually while judging your 9-minute monologues. You definitely shouldn’t send those people a voice note, they probably think you’re vain.

Communication has always evolved alongside technology. Professor Nick Enfield, a linguist at the University of Sydney, says that today’s tools are part of a centuries-long shift, with social media and smartphones accelerating change.

“Ever since writing and printing were invented, we’ve been going through cycles where new technology changes the way we communicate,” he told The Nightly.

“We’ve got this incredible explosion of different ways and means of getting to each other and getting at each other.

“All the old ones still exist — conversation face-to-face, writing letters, calling people on the phone — but now we have a whole bunch of new ways layered on top.”

Why voice messages have exploded

Professor Enfield says there are many upsides to sending voice notes (at the right length) as they remove friction in communication and make it easier for people to stay connected.

“One reason they’re being used is that they save you the hassle of writing something out,” he says.

“Being able to just speak it in real time removes a lot of the friction.

“For some people typing is difficult — they might be dyslexic or not particularly literate.

“For thousands of languages around the world that don’t really have a writing system, voice messaging is actually a revelation.

“You can just speak into your phone and the other person can hear it. That accessibility side of it is really great.”

The problem with long voice message ‘monologues’

Long voice messages can feel convenient but ultimately break the natural rhythm of conversation. Professor Enfield says real conversations are collaborative, with constant feedback between participants.

“The big difference with the voice message versus conversation is that the voice message is not interactional. It’s a monologue,” he says.

“Usually what happens (in person) is I’ll speak in short bursts and the other person is giving feedback — nodding, saying ‘aha’, looking puzzled, jumping in.

“The longer you press that button down, the longer your recording goes for, the more selfish it is in a certain sense.

“It becomes this kind of long monologue that’s not interactive and not inclusive of the other person.

“A really good way to use them is very short messages, just say one thing and send it so the interaction can keep going back and forth.

“Especially if these things go on for a long time… it just becomes this kind of long monologue that’s not interactive, it’s not inclusive of the other person. It’s kind of boring.

“The voice message thing is kind of a weird mangle of something like letter writing and something like conversation. It only captures part of what’s good about those things.”

Are digital updates replacing real conversations?

Although technology changes how we connect, it is unlikely to replace real-life conversations according to Professor Enfield. Digital tools are best seen as complements, not substitutes.

“We still live in 3D reality. We still meet with human beings,” he reassuringly said.

“Face-to-face life is not going to be replaced anytime soon.

“Just as it can seem like it’s isolating us, it’s also giving us different ways to engage and communicate.

“If people get annoyed by something, like voice messages, they’ll stop using them or adapt.

“Technology is a creation of humankind. We adapt to it just as much as it shapes us.”

When long voice messages actually work well

Voice messages can be highly effective when schedules or location make actual phone calls difficult. They allow friends or family to maintain a meaningful connection without requiring availability at the same time.

Professor Enfield says “sometimes the alternative isn’t a phone call it’s zero communication”.

Responding to one situation where two friends living in different Australian states have been sending each other five to 12 minute voice messages for years, he says that’s when voice messages really work.

“You’ve got a problem — different schedules, different time zones — and you’ve found a technological solution.”

“What you described is actually really cool because it keeps you engaged with each other.

“I’m just interested in that — a 10-minute voice message. You press the button, talk for 10 minutes without stopping, and your friend just listens like they’re listening to a podcast.

“Even though for one reason or another a phone call would be better, the alternative sometimes is no interaction, and then your relationship suffers. This solution actually keeps it alive.”

Wednesday Waffle trend

Some friend groups use weekly digital updates as a social ritual, where each person shares a short voice or video update and others respond. Professor Enfield observes that these practices reflect how people experiment to balance time constraints with social connection.

“The trade-off is, what we want versus how much it costs us. We want to maintain relationships, but the biggest cost is time, and making time to go to the same location,” he says.

“But then you invent things like the Wednesday Waffle. It’s actually an investment. You better not miss a week because then you get behind, and it signals to your friends that you’re not putting in the effort.

“People are experimenting with how to solve the trade-off between wanting to maintain social connection and fitting it into their busy lives.

“Putting time and energy into a particular circle of friends is a powerful signal.

“It shows those people that they matter.”

Why people love or hate voice notes

Voice messages capture raw, spontaneous speech, which makes them feel intimate and emotionally rich. People who enjoy them tend to embrace that vulnerability, while others prefer the control of text.

“When you speak in conversation, what comes out is unvarnished. You don’t get to edit it,” Professor Enfield says.

“When you’re writing a text, you can go back, take words out, rethink things before you press send.

“With voice messages, it’s raw. It’s unvarnished.

“There’s a vulnerability there, more exposure of your true self.

“There’s something more immediate, more informal and more intimate about the voice message.

“You get so much more information in the spoken voice.

“All that richness of expression — tone, pauses, intonation — is completely stripped out of text.

“Part of it is that literal immediacy — it just came out the way you said it.

“There’s a richness of expression present in the intonation, prosody, and the way you pronounce the words — it’s all there in the voice message, and it’s been stripped out completely in text.”