Belle Taylor: The worst song lyrics of the past 50 years

Have you always been envious of those people who can bust out every lyric to We Didn’t Start The Fire, when the best you can do is really commit to “JFK blown away, what else do I have to say?” before launching into the chorus?

There is hope for you yet: songs are getting easier. Computer scientists from Austria’s University of Innsbruck conducted a study in which they compiled lyrics from 353,320 English-language songs released between 1970 and 2020, analysing key linguistic characteristics. Their findings, published in Scientific Reports journal, reveal song lyrics have gotten simpler. There are more repeated lines in songs and more choruses than ever before. Another finding: songs are getting angrier.

The karaoke party these scientists must have had to celebrate this study getting published would have been one for the ages.

There have been a flurry of articles claiming the study proves song lyrics are getting worse, suggesting repetitive equals bad. I would argue there have always been bad lyrics; if anything, more repetitive songs means less opportunity to write really bad lines, you just sing them more.

This study also excluded songs written before 1970 conveniently omitting the entirety of The Beatles back catalogue. If they fed the lyrics of Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da into the computer, it might have malfunctioned.

So in honour of the Austrian scientists, here are some of the worst lyrics from the past 50 years. Proving that while rock’n’roll may never die, neither will clunky metaphors, awkward rhymes and confusing references to vital organs.

“Lucky that my breasts are small and humble/ So you don’t confuse ’em with mountains” (Whenever, Wherever, Shakira, 2001)

It’s unclear how common a problem people confusing mammary glands with large landforms is, but we’re glad the Hips Don’t Lie singer doesn’t have that issue.

“Are we human or are we dancer?” (Human, The Killers, 2008)

The fact this song is nearly impossible to dance to makes me lean towards . . . neither?

“Me not working hard? Yeah right! Picture that with a Kodak/ And better yet, go to Times Square/ Take a picture of me with a Kodak” (Give Me Everything, Pitbull, 2011)

When you really want that sweet sponsorship swag but can’t think of anything to rhyme with Kodak.

“Smell like I sound” (Hungry Like The Wolf, Duran Duran, 1982)

That would be a mix of Faberge Brut and the stale beer scent of a pub carpet then.

“Feels like you’re dying/ you’re dying/ You, your sex is on fire” (Sex On Fire, Kings of Leon, 2008)

Please seek medical attention.

“If the light is off then it isn’t on” (So Yesterday, Hilary Duff, 2003)

Well, she’s not wrong.

“She’s got everything/ like a moving mouth, body control and everything” (Highway Star, Deep Purple, 1972)

Dating standards were way lower in the 70s.

“Your lipstick stains on the front lobe of my left-side brains” (Hey, Soul Sister, Train, 2009)

It was difficult to pick just one stand-out lyric from this track. But ultimately, the imagery of a smear of lipstick on brain matter, like the detritus from a zombie dinner party, was too good to go past.

“Someone left the cake out in the rain/ I don’t think that I can take it/ ’cause I took so long to bake it/ and I’ll never have that recipe again/ Oh no!” (MacArthur Park, Donna Summer, 1978)

In fairness, that would be annoying.

“I don’t want to see a ghost/ It’s a sight that I fear most/ I’d rather have a piece of toast/ And watch the evening news” (Life, Des’ree, 1998)

The news probably wasn’t so grim in 1998. These days, you may get a cheerier night out with the un-dead.

Got a bad song lyric? Email belle.taylor@wanews.com.au