Non-monogamous relationship rules and why a married woman ‘vetoed’ her husband’s date

Non-monogamy might seem like the simple idea of two people agreeing they can see other people. But in reality, it’s rarely simple.

For couples navigating open relationships, especially those with children and shared lives, the emotional aspect can be far more complex than anything you see on TV.

For Canberra couple Abbey McKay and Liam Budge, non-monogamy is something they speak about openly, and say boundaries, consent and emotional honesty are pillars of their relationship. But even with clear agreements in place, emotions can still take over.

This week, Abbey shared a particularly raw moment: the time she veto’ed a woman her husband had gone on a date with.

“I did completely veto you,” Abbey admitted to the woman, named Fer, while speaking on the Evolving Love Podcast.

“I was the wife at home, and he was off, back in New York, and with you. There were lots of unknowns. It was like you were back in our life, but not with me. I started to feel these jealous feelings.”

Jealousy in non-monogamy

Abbey said the turning point came when Liam sent her a photo of the woman he was dating.

“Liam sent me a photo of you, and you’re so beautiful and radiant. I was doing the morning breakfast routine, my hair all messy, and I thought, oh gosh… the comparison stuff started coming up for me.”

Despite acknowledging that the date had gone well, “you two had a great date, right?” Abbey found herself torn.

“It was tricky because I was in conflict between my values... and my sort of philosophical beliefs, like my bigger picture, thinking and values were in conflict with my emotions and what was coming up for me.

She didn’t directly forbid Liam from seeing the woman again. Instead, she withdrew her support.

“I didn’t flat out say, Please don’t go on another date with Fer, I just completely sort of shut down within myself, and, like, withdrew my support and interest,” she said

“I just sort of froze ...I did completely veto you, and I felt so horrible about that.”

The woman Liam dated said honesty could have eased the situation earlier.

“I think there’s a lot of situations like that in the poly world that happened just because people weren’t just honest about where they stood,” Fer said.

“Often the feelings that are not expressed are those feelings of like, I felt jealous, I felt insecure, and everyone’s kind of trying to pretend that they don’t feel jealous or insecure when, when you just admit it and work with it and talk about it, even with the people that you know were the subject of those feelings… it turns the feeling around, and it helps much more than if you just pretend it’s not there.”

What does it mean to ‘veto’ someone?

The idea of vetoing, where one partner asks the other to end a relationship with a third person, is one of the most-debated aspects of non-monogamy.

Lauren Muratore, an accredited psychosexual therapist, says veto power often reflects whether a relationship is hierarchical (where a primary partner holds more decision-making weight) or non-hierarchical.

“If you were to veto, you’d say you can’t see that person anymore,” she explains.

“There’s kind of two sides of the coin of that. In some aspects, people choose to do that arrangement because they might feel safer and more secure. On the other hand, other people think that isn’t fair and that nobody has the right to veto another person or a relationship, especially if they’re acting within the confines of what they’ve agreed upon.”

There’s also the ethical consideration of the third person.

“It doesn’t feel nice to be that person to all of a sudden just get vetoed because maybe that other partner is jealous,” she says.

‘Rules’ in non-monogamy

Ms Muratore is careful to stress that there is no one-size-fits-all approach for open relationships.

“What we want to look at is creating agreements,” she says.

“Every open relationship is going to be very different. What people want can vary, from swinging to polyamory and everything in between.”

Rather than fixed “rules”, couples often create agreements tailored to their circumstances. These might include using protection, not bringing partners into a shared home, limits around overnight stays, managing finances, or negotiating how much time is spent with others.

“Wearing condoms could be something that’s important to people... not bringing people home, like not using their primary residence as a place to play,” she said

“For some people, weekends are acceptable. For other couples, weekends are far too long to spend with other people. So it really just depends on what’s important for two people.”

She’s also seeing more couples explore non-monogamy than in the past.

“It’s more open. There is more education on it. It’s being discussed more. There’s podcasts, it’s on TV, there’s books. People are realising that monogamy doesn’t have to necessarily be the only way to go.”

However, the stigma still lingers. She says many couples choose not to tell family or friends, fearing judgement.

Is jealousy a deal breaker?

Jealousy is often cited as the biggest obstacle to non-monogamy. But Ms Muratore says it shouldn’t automatically rule it out.

“We’re all human and we all will most likely get jealous, whether we’re in an open relationship or even a monogamous relationship,” she says.

She encourages couples to “normalise” jealousy. “Rather than saying, well, I’m a jealous person, I should or should not get into an open relationship, like understanding where that jealousy comes from, how do you talk about jealousy with your partner?”

“How do you handle your jealousy? Why do you become jealous?”

Rather than viewing jealousy as a red flag, she encourages couples to explore its roots.

“I would recommend working on yourself. Your attachment style, understanding where the jealousy or insecurities come from, how to improve yourself and also how to improve your relationship. I wouldn’t say that it’s (jealousy) necessarily a deal breaker.”

She adds that while jealousy is normal, how people behave in response matters.

“We’re allowed to be jealous. We’re not allowed to behave in ways that could be detrimental to our partner. I don’t think anything should be decided based on a human emotion that’s prevalent.”

Why people love open relationships

For some, the appeal of non-monogamy lies in freedom and authenticity.

“I’ve heard in clinic people tell me that they feel free. They feel more alive. They like the new relationship energy brought into their other relationship and it invigorates them,” Ms Muratore says.

For others, it’s about identity.

“Some people identify actually as polyamorous rather than living a polyamorous life. So it’s also a form of acceptance.”

For Abbey and Liam, the veto moment became less about control and more about emotional awareness.

“It’s okay to have moments where your feelings don’t match your values,” Abbey reflected. “What matters is how you navigate that tension, and communicate honestly with everyone involved.”

Non-monogamy, in the end, isn’t about perfection. It’s about negotiation, empathy and flexibility. And sometimes, even in the most open relationships, love means pausing, reflecting, and having the hard conversations.